Cardiac Commas Return to the Playoffs

Following the apocalyptic Snowstorm Nemo, the Commas had to play Game 5 in nearly a foot of snow, in a rematch with New Jack City. The conditions slowed down both teams, leaving the score deadlocked at 6 (Daniel had scored following an interception by Max). Three long drives for the Commas expired at the New Jack one yard line until, at last, Oxford scored with 20 seconds to go on a quarterback sneak, Bart Starr-style. It looked like they had it in the bag, but then New Jack threw a bomb down field, between a colliding Max and Daniel, for a score. They would put the ball into the end zone again for the extra point, giving them a dramatic 13-12 victory. To get their minds off of the game, Oxford played a half against the Multiple Scoregasms, whose game had been canceled because the other team (Da Browns, from last week) had wussed out and forfeited, apparently thinking that football is played on a beach in Hawaii or something. I'm blocking out the last-second loss, and instead pretending that we only had the scrimmage.

Walking in a winter wonderland...



A week later, the Commas played the undefeated Button Holes in a rollicking shootout. Oxford took an early lead, but the Button Holes slowly chipped away and briefly went ahead 42-38. With a minute to go, Daniel scored on a deep throw along the sideline, making it 44-42. The Button Holes then marched down the field and, with two seconds left, went ahead for good with a throw to their big tank of a receiver (Ash was injured on the play in a valiant effort). Because, you know, we needed more last second drama this year. Still, it was a great game, with huge plays from Daniel, Jon, Paul, and Jessica.

QB sneak for a score:



A scramble and a near-score:



Jessica jukes the defender for a touchdown:



Daniel scores with about a minute left, giving Oxford the lead (cameraman Tim is nearly at a loss for words):



On the extra point, Dan runs what is either the best decoy or the worst route ever, and Matt nearly comes down with the throw:



The Commas had to face the Button Holes again in the first round of the playoffs and, unfortunately, the blue team came with reinforcements. The Commas tried to keep up, but the BHs had four receivers who made plays all over the field...and now in my nightmares. Oxford went into halftime down 24-7 (Daniel scored), and managed to get within a touchdown early in the second half thanks to scores by Max and Dan. Also, Jane played well in Jessica's absence at QB. But the Button Holes just kept scoring. Final score: 40-20. The Button Holes went on to beat New Jack in the championship. (So, we at least continued our streak of losing to the eventual champs.)

And so, perhaps the craziest season ever comes to a close, and my pacemaker is grateful for the break. We will return in the fall, and may make a guest appearance on Daniel's "mistress" team Bonestorm (yes, they're named for a Simpsons reference).

Enjoy the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And try to stay in shape this offseason, will you? No more McGriddles.

Daniel acts all cool after catching a pass:



A long march down the field, with receptions by Max, Jane, and Jon:



Jane nearly sneaks in:



Commas tie it up with a score to for Daniel:



Max gets the conversion:



You know things are desperate when we try man-to-man defense:



Max gets a big chunk of yardage:



Dan almost walks off the field in protest, but we finally decide to throw him the ball:



Let's pretend Dan didn't step out of bounds on this one, shall we?



Max toes the line:



He's so fast!



Commas season draws to a close:



(Highlights courtesy of Joe.)

Winter Commas Stay Undefeated

We're at it again, defying a New York winter in the shadow of the new (but somehow rusty) Brooklyn Nets stadium. Playing in the cold may be aging us prematurely, but it makes the dreary months go by more quickly. And it gets us laid. Well, some of us. I'm typing this on a Friday night with a bottle of Gato Negro cab/merlot mix nearby.

We started with a wacko game against a team called Purple Haze. Their uniforms reminded me of the Joker's costume, and the field had a new setup in order to conform to the International Zog Federation's official rules or something. Anyway, the Commas played a complete game, scoring on every drive except for one that ended on an interception that was totally Dan's fault. But Jane, Paul, Daniel, and Max scored, Jessica had a crazy circus catch, and Iain had a conversion despite suffering what turned out to be a season-ending injury. Commas win 28-0.



The Commas defend against a deep throw.

In Week 2, Oxford faced the Closers, the team of educators from the winter playoffs in 2012. The shorthanded Commas had to go with only eight players, and some noobies on defense (okay, me) gave up a few touchdowns in the first half. But eventually the Commas pulled away, thanks to an avalanche of touchdowns by Max. Ashley, Molly "The Icepick", and Matt T. scored as well. In the end, Oxford prevailed in a defense-optional game, 57-36.



Don't make me say it again: YOU CAN BLITZ ON A HANDOFF!

Game 3 against the Frozen Pumpkins turned out to be one of the most exciting and dramatic in the history of the Commas. The Pumpkins won their division championship in the fall, and were made up of players from several teams. Anyway, the Commas jumped out to an early lead, thanks to two huge touchdowns by Jon. They went in at halftime with a 21-6 lead. But then all hell broke loose in the second half. The Pumpkins' QB, upset by an off-sides penalty against Oxford, responded by kicking (like a girl) our star player, Jon. Then Dan responded by shoving the QB. Then a brawl nearly broke out. Then, in the chaos, the refs put Dan in a penalty box, and the Commas were down to five women and three men. The Pumpkins came roaring back and took the lead. Oxford scored again and then had a chance to run the clock down. But when they turned the ball over on downs, the Pumpkins again took the lead with ninety seconds to go. The Commas began a long drive that ended with Jane scoring the winning touchdown with two seconds left on the clock. (Jane, I was going to pretend I didn't remember who scored just to get your goat.) Anyway, the Pumpkins tried one last-ditch play, but it fell short. Oxford squeaks by 33-29.

Week 4's game was against a team that I was hoping would call itself the Sweet Browns; instead, they were just Da Browns. Fair enough. In the coldest game of the year, they proved to be a formidable bunch. After Oxford took the lead with a score to Jane and a conversion for Jon, Da Browns kept Oxford from scoring again until a second half touchdown to Jenny--her first as a Comma. Later, Da Browns tied the game at 13, and Oxford once again had to march downfield in the closing seconds. Jon was able to leap for a deep pass into the endzone, and it looked like the Commas would steal another victory. But then Da Browns mounted their own last-second drive to tie the game again at 19. With 22 seconds left, the Commas managed to reach Da Browns' ten yard line, but time expired before Oxford could score again. The game ended in a much-dreaded tie. What is this, soccer? (And no, Donovan McNabb, there is no overtime.) A wise man once said: it's like kissin' your sister.

Still, this is the strongest start ever for Oxford, and they are going into the stretch run against the best teams in the league and the worst weather of the year. At least there won't be a blackout, unlike certain, less classy venues. To prepare, you should have a beer and watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. Week 5 is the Nemo Game!

After Long Campaign, Commas Again Reach Playoffs

It was a long road to the playoffs this year, thanks in large part to the gift that kept on giving: Hurricane Sandy. For the Commas, that odyssey began in what had to be one of the oddest games of the year, when the Zog overlords declared that Oxford would face the Tribeca Tight Ends in a match that ended less than an hour before the subways shut down in advance of the storm. Needless to say, it was a bit windy, which turned the game into a defensive struggle. Oxford held the lead until about a minute to go, when Tribeca scored to put them up one. The Commas then began a march down the field that ended with a touchdown for Daniel in the corner of the endzone. On the last play of the game, Tribeca attempted a Hail Mary pass, but the defense knocked it away. (Note: Tribeca showed up despite the fact that they had been evacuated earlier that day, while a few other teams simply forfeited without telling their opponents. The football gods approve.)

The following week's games were postponed, so the Commas had to wait until after the election to play the Button Holes again. This time, Oxford did not have an answer for their passing attack, and two early interceptions stalled the Commas' scoring attempts. On the bright side, guest defensive lineman Major Mike B. (USMC) had a sack on 100% of his plays (1 for 1). Still, Oxford was too far behind by the end, and lost by two scores.

Dave gets a short pass against the Button Holes. Jane takes a quick pass along the sideline for a big gain.
The difficulties continued in the rematch with the Honey Badgers the next week. Though the Commas were undermanned, they jumped out to an early 19-0 lead, thanks to big scoring plays for Max and Daniel, along with interceptions by Max and Paul. But the Badgers regrouped after halftime, going on a 26-0 scoring run that included a pick six.

So, the Commas had to recover over Thanksgiving (you know--when the season is normally finished and we're getting fat again.) They returned to face Andrew Gish's Robot Army, who were slogging through a tough season themselves. The Commas raced out to an early lead that they did not relinquish this time. Max scored on the first play, Daniel took in an interception for a score on the next play, and Oxford was rolling. Later, Iain followed up the best interception of the year with long touchdown reception on a broken play. Elyse caught a conversion in traffic, and Jessica added two scores of her own.

Jessie scores, but a conversion attempt to Ash is off the mark. Just a little out of bounds for Max. Jon passes to Ashley. The defense tries to contain a throw down field.

As a result of all this, Oxford had to play the NY VaGiants in the playoffs in one of the most exciting games in team history. In the wet weather, the NY quarterback threw an interception to Daniel on the opening drive, and the Commas took about 10 plays to move seven yards into the end zone. On the touchdown play, Jessica threw to Daniel, who caught it but then fell backward out of the end zone. The referees conferred for a few minutes before giving it to Oxford. The Commas scored again when Jane caught a touchdown in the corner. But then NY took the lead with two quick strikes down field to their star receiver and part time ninja. Oxford scored again on a deep strike to Daniel, making the score 19-14 at halftime. Unfortunately, Oxford would not get into the end zone again, even after a 4th down bomb to Max put them on the one yard line. NY could not be contained forever, and they eventually broke out with three more scores. The game ended after NY made a one-handed interception that gave the VaGiants possession and allowed them to run out the clock. A tough end to a long campaign. But, thanks to this extended fall season, winter is only a few weeks away. Oh, god.

I made it through that whole paragraph without a double entendre involving the female anatomy. You're welcome.

The Commas hung out to watch part of the championship between the Badgers and the VaGiants. The Badgers would go on to win it. My official story--and I'm sticking to it--is that we stepped aside so that the charities represented by these two teams could share in the wealth.

Here's your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week (surprise--it has an Oxford connection). More to come in 2013.

Commas Overcome Zombie Foot, Wardrobe Malfunctions to Start 2-1

The schedule deities decided that the Commas would face, for the first time in a few years, the team with the best name in the league: the NY VaGiants. Oxford's defense saved the game, getting off to a good start with a interception returned for a touchdown in the first half. Daniel and Iain also had picks. Slowly, the Commas overcame a 12-point deficit to take the lead. Brian, playing in his last game, iced it with a last-minute touchdown, while Ash also pitched in her first score of the year. Commas win something like 30-18. The following week, Oxford played the regrouped Honey Badgers. Technically, it was a shootout because both teams scored a lot of points. But it wasn't close--the HBs won the turnover battle, and piled on nearly 50 points (it may have been more, but I was blacked out by then). Oxford controlled the ball, but couldn't keep up in scoring only 26. (Special thanks to newest ringer, Molly "Icepick" T.)

On top of all that, Oxford's aging, decrepit QB suffered what looked like a season-ending ankle sprain, giving him a terrible case of zombie foot (i.e. his foot looked like it belonged on a cadaver). And then, even worse: the Commas were playing the Button Holes in week 3, a team that wore our classic powder blue color. So, we had to switch to burgundy. It worked. Defense had another big game, thanks in large part to Daniel and Max having several interceptions each. Oh, did I mention that we coaxed Max out of retirement. GM of the year, right here, folks. They also pitched in big catches, along with Jane, Jessica, Paul--actually, everyone had a catch this week. Iain had a TD. The QB's foot didn't fall off in a putrid pile of rotting flesh. Everything worked out. On that note, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. See you on the other side of Hurricane Sandy.

Commas Win Preaseason Matchup (Without the Benefit of Replacement Refs!)

After an offseason spent training in the Russian wilderness, Rocky IV style, the Oxford Commas returned for the fall 2012 season ready to take on longtime rival, the Honey Badgers. You may remember the Badgers from previous episodes such as Oxford Loses, Oxford Loses, and Oxford Loses. But this time, the Commas had a plan, and it involved scoring more points than the Badgers. So, they got off to a good start, with touchdowns to Daniel, Dave, and Jane (along with conversions for Brian and Paul). After halftime, the offense kind of...stopped working, and so it was up to the defense to hang on to the 22-0 lead. The Badgers ended up scoring 18 in the second period, and had possession with less than a minute to play. But the Oxford defense rose to the occasion when Daniel picked off his second pass of the day at the goal line. Brian and Paul also had interceptions. Meanwhile, Jane and Ash filled in at QB, running the old-school sprint option and completing all but one pass attempt in a bid to unseat yours truly. They were cut for being insolent.

Yes, we know it was just the preseason, but it felt good. Here, watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week and you'll forget that it didn't count. Dan, you should like this one.

(...and, we got new uniforms.)

Your Oxford Commas Are the Champions

We knew this day would come. Actually, no we didn't. Especially not this year, after starting 1-3, not being able to score to save our lives, and sinking to the bottom of the division. But, somehow the Commas rallied to take the whole thing--an event that the ancient Mayans surely predicted for 2012.

Unlike the Football-pocalypse from last season, this year's playoffs featured a semifinal and a final, with no teams earning a bye. First on the docket were the top-seeded Closers, whom the Commas had defeated in a bitterly cold Week 5 game. This time, the Closers arrived with reinforcements, including a new quarterback and a new-look defense. It was not until midway through the first half that Oxford was able to get a first down. Meanwhile, the Closers took a 6-0 lead, and appeared poised to turn the game into a massacre. (By that, I mean that they intercepted me. A lot.) But the defense held, thanks to timely interceptions by Will and Daniel. Eventually, Oxford tied it at 6 with a pass to the corner to Max, who once again showed fancy footwork by staying in bounds while cradling the ball. On the next series, Jessica found Jane in the end zone to give Oxford a tentative 12-6 lead. Then, with the Closers on Oxford's one yard line, Will picked off a pass and returned it all the way for a score. In the six seasons since Dayne founded the team, this has to be the most clutch play in the history of the Oxford Commas (look at it below...do it). The Commas would score twice more--including another for Jane--closing out the game and returning to the championship.

For the final, Oxford faced New Jack City, who had managed to defeat the Honey Badgers in round one, making them the favorites to win the division. New Jack had also beaten the Commas during the seemingly endless losing streak (which we will never mention again). Once again, Oxford got off to a slow start; two deep passes to Dan and Max that could have produced points instead ended up missing the target. The main highlight of the half was Jon's booming punt, which sent the ball over the fence and out of play for all eternity. But then, Oxford managed to tie the game on a busted play in which Mike made a great catch in the corner (highlight is below). Once again, the game was tied at 6 at halftime. But after the half, Oxford's offense finally came to life on a drive that ended with a score for Daniel. On the next series, a busted screen pass somehow led to a touchdown bomb for Ash. Meanwhile, the defense kept New Jack in check; Will had a few more interceptions, while Dan and Jon terrorized the opposing team's quarterbacks. (I mean, seriously: imagine those two running after you. Do it.) The offense continued to roll, with another score for Mike, and a quarterback sneak for a touchdown. By then, the game was decided. The lowest-seeded Commas could finally celebrate their accomplishment. Hell may not have frozen over, but winter has now been conquered--the Commas are the champs.

(Also, hats off to our opponents, who were very sportsmanlike. It should be mentioned that the Closers and New Jack are all teachers at the same Brooklyn high school, so they're all right in my book.)

So proud of my Commas today--thanks so much for a great season of sportsmanship, camaraderie, hustle, humor, and beer. (I'm told we also raised money for our charity, Housing Works.) I told everyone that I would have been proud even if we had been annihilated in round one, but this outcome is obviously much better. Because we were the lowest seed but still managed to win it all, I can't help but put up this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. But for some really amazing stuff--performed by real professionals--please see the footage below.


Highlights from the semifinal:

Max catches a pass on the one yard line. (Jane would score on the next play on a pass from Jessica.)



Leia and Dan help to break up a pass.



Will saves the day with a pick-6, the greatest play in Commas history.



After Jane scores again, Daniel grabs the conversion.




Highlights from the Championship:

Mike enters your living room.



Max with another catch.



Will makes a catch, but then the Commas turn it over on a deep pass. Kevin the videographer sums it up: "Ooof."



Jon gets his first of several batted balls. Yeah, there's no other way to phrase that, I'm sorry.



Jenny catches a short pass, then a long throw to Mike is batted away.



After Max gets the first down, Mike scores on a busted play. A conversion attempt to Dan gets batted away, making it 6-6.



Jessica and Michael keep the ball moving in the second half.



A short pass to Daniel gives Oxford a 12-6 lead.



The two-headed monster attack of Dan and Jon leads to another sack:



...and another, this time on 4th down:



One for Ash, one for Max:



Michelle almost gets a score, but it gets knocked away. Supposedly because the QB didn't spot her until it was too late (that's Will growling, "She's ooooopen!"):



The defense sniffs out the screen pass, so we instead throw a deep touchdown for Ash, putting Oxford up 18-6.



We finally let Dan catch a pass:



Sorry, I have to put this in:



At long last, the Commas can celebrate:

Commas Rise from the Dead, Storm Back to the Playoffs

The Commas were left for dead a few weeks ago, when a crippling losing streak dropped them to the bottom of the division with a 1-3 record. But thanks to a renewed determination, and some timely sacrifices to the football gods, Oxford got its act together to sneak into the playoffs once again.

In Game 6, the shorthanded Commas faced the Tebowners, and the winner would be rewarded with the last playoff spot. Team Tebow took an early lead 7-0, but Oxford answered when Will made perhaps the greatest catch in the history of the franchise (see the highlight below). Later, Mike scored on a short play to the corner, and then Jane put the game out of reach with a touchdown pass to Daniel on the last play of the half. Oxford would go on to play its most solid game of the season. Daniel scored twice more, while Jane threw another touchdown to Mike to make it 41-7. Ash, Jenny, Michelle all made big plays on offense. Mike had two interceptions from the middle linebacker spot, and Jane finished the game with a pick of her own.

The moral of the story: the Commas do not quit.

So now, it's a brand new season. And in honor of Will's great catch, and Jane's lefty quarterbacking, I thought this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week was fitting. I mean, seriously, can you believe that catch? Have you fought that hard for a pass before? Have you fought that hard for anything in your life? Huh, you little punk? Answer me!

Okay, okay, I'm calm. Here are the highlights (credit Kevin, who was nursing a badly sprained ankle):

Ash on the power dive.



Will gets the Commas on the board with the catch of the year. Even the ref was praising it ("The dead ball!")



Ash follows up with a conversion.



Jane gets a quick pass over the middle.



Jenny catches one in traffic.



Kevin calls for a booth review on a catch by Jane.



Mike catches a floater in the corner for a touchdown; Will tries for the conversion, but the throw is too high.



Oxford follows up a perfectly executed screen pass on 4th and 1 with a dumb interception. The fans began calling for Tebow for the rest of the game.



Jane plays textbook defense.



Will plays even textbooker defense.



Jane throws a bomb to Daniel on the last play of the half. Daniel then scores the conversion, making it 20-7 Oxford.



Chel catches one, takes a hit, looks really grumpy. "When does softball start?" she wonders.



Mike catches another clutch first down, then Jane gets a quick pass. After that, we have a teachable moment. Kids: never, ever run to your left and then try to throw deep to your right. Just don't do it. Can you remember that, stupid?