Pigs Fly! Hell Freezes Over! The Commas Go to the Championship!

The Commas decided to make the most of their first trip to the playoffs, steamrolling through two rounds of the three-game "Football Armageddon" to come within a few yards of beating the league's best team. It was an exhausting, inspiring day. Here are the details.

In the quarterfinals, Oxford played Andrew Gish's Robot Army, a team that was shorthanded when the Commas played them in the regular season. This time, the very game Robots--they of of the awesome sleeveless uniforms--put up a serious fight, and it took a pair of touchdowns by Taylor to keep them at bay in the first half. After the intermission, the Robots managed to pick off a pass and take out Jessica on a brutal hit (it was an accident). But the Commas maintained a two-touchdown lead throughout, eventually extending it to three scores. We don't have the official score, but it was around 30-14. With that efficient win, Oxford accomplished what it had set out to do.

The next game, held immediately afterward against #1 seed Bings, looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Oxford got a break early when Jane picked off a pass on Bings' one-yard line. But it took eight rough plays for the Commas to finally score on an out pattern to Max. The Bings team--well rested after a bye--were taking no prisoners. Taylor left the game with a gashed leg, Jon sat with an injury, and Dave had to fight off a few errant elbows. But Oxford stuck to the game plan and just kept scoring, holding on to an 18-13 lead at halftime thanks to a deep touchdown reception for Michelle. After that, Oxford kept finding ways to get into the end zone. Max, Dave, Taylor, and Brian scored, with Ash adding a conversion somewhere in there, and Elyse providing a few big catches down the stretch. There was even a TD on a quarterback sneak for crying out loud. The defense, led by the Mad Dog Gonzo, kept Bings quiet for the rest of the game. Final score: 51-19. Unbelievable.

So, uh, that meant that Oxford had completed the improbable upset, and would be in the championship against Jerkstore. Yes, that Jerkstore, who had beaten the Honey Badgers in the previous round. Wait, what? That wasn't part of the script! The Commas were supposed to be at the bar by then! To quote Darth Vader: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Not content with simply showing up, Oxford got off to a quick start thanks to a pass interference call on Taylor, which led to the Commas taking an early lead of 6-0. Jerkstore responded with a touchdown, then took advantage when Oxford failed to convert on fourth down deep in its own territory. The half ended with Jerkstore scoring again on a Hail Mary pass, leaving Oxford behind by 14. But the Commas did not quit. Dave and Taylor scored quick touchdowns, while Max, playing one of the best games in Commas history, muscled the ball away from Jerkstore over and over again. (The quote of the day, btw, was when I suggested that we punt, only to have Max scream, "No! We're going for it!" He then caught the ball for a first down.) Later, Jessica hit Brian over the middle to make it 34-26. The defense held on the next series, giving the Commas two minutes to tie the game. With a few quick passes to Jessica and Taylor, they made it to the five yard line with only seconds left. On the last play, a throw to Brian in the corner fell short, giving Jerkstore the victory. It was the end of a long, crazy ride. The Commas were completely spent, but satisfied with how far they had come. Jesus, I'm tired just writing this.

Well, I couldn't be prouder of our team. Thanks to everyone for making it a great season. More highlights to come this winter.

I couldn't resist using this as the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And, in case you ever feel like quitting at anything, or believing the odds, please watch this as well. There will be a quiz on the first day of winter league.

Highlights (thanks, Natalie):

In quarterfinals, the Commas complete the two-minute drill; despite Taylor's great play, the score is nullified because the refs say he stepped out of bounds:



Another long drive, but it ends with an interception:



In the championship game, Taylor scores a touchdown, and Max gets the conversion on a shovel pass.



A catch by Ash, followed by an amazing grab by Max on a pass intended for Jon:



Jessica zips through the defense:



Brian gets a shovel pass. Then Taylor tries to hang on to the ball in heavy traffic:



Jessica throws a touchdown to Brian:



Last play of the game: a pass to Brian falls short, giving Jerkstore the trophy:

Commas Complete First Winning Season

Before heading to the playoffs, Oxford had to exorcise the demons from last year's horrific loss to Jerkstore. Some of the Commas--I won't name names--are still in therapy following the 48-0 drubbing in 2010.

This time around, Oxford got off to a slow start thanks to some unfortunate turnovers, which, by the way, are never, ever, the quarterback's fault. But, at the end of the half, Oxford got on the board with a deep throw to Taylor, making the score 25-6. In the second half, Oxford continued to chip away at the lead, thanks to another touchdown for Taylor, followed by a circus-catch score for Elyse. The defense tried to hold on, but Jerkstore managed to get into the end zone again. A late touchdown by Brian was not enough, and Jerkstore was able to get the ball back and wind down the clock. Final score: Jerkstore 38, Oxford 24. But it's worth noting that Oxford outscored Jerkstore in the half, which kind of reminds me of this. ("You cut him! You hurt him! He's not a machine! He's a man!")

And if that doesn't get your blood boiling for the playoffs, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, one of the greatest plays of all time.


No highlights this week, but our intrepid fans Jessie and Rosie brought along Oxford Commas pennants. They'll soon be hearing from our lawyers regarding copyright infringement; we're just like the NFL that way.




Jenny and Jessie wave the Oxford flag.

Commas Win Big, Clinch Playoff Spot (Playoffs!?)

There was a time, in the dark days of 2008, when any discussion of the Commas making the playoffs provoked this kind of response:



But on Sunday, the Commas finally answered the call, delivering their most solid performance of the season in a 24-0 shutout of the Multiple Scoregasms, aka the people who stole your idea for a funny team name. Brian scored all four touchdowns (a team record?), at one point taking a quick handoff and sneaking around the entire Scoregasms defense for six. Dan had an interception after grabbing a pass that Matt deflected, which was nice, because we never throw to him on offense. Jon had another fine defensive performance, with some help from Elyse, Kari, Chel, and Ash. Jane and Jessica contributed some big plays on offense.

So, the season will live on for one more week, when Zog hosts what can only be described as Football Armageddon: a marathon playoff in which the champion must win three games back-to-back-to-back. Whoever came up with this system is either insane...or a genius.

Since we had some oddly cold weather for this game, with snow in the end zones, here is an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week from the 51st state. The snow is so pretty!

And, here are the Commas wrapping up the win; a smug Jessica is pleased.

The Problem with Badgers

How do you know when you've had a bad day as a quarterback? That's easy: when your best play is chasing down the guy who just intercepted you.

Yep, it was one of those days, when many, many things went wrong. The Commas were in a rematch with the Honey Badgers, and they were feeling good after temporarily adopting a new fight song just for the occasion. But Oxford little reason to scream the chorus at our opponents, especially when they found themselves down 27-6 at halftime. Oxford put together two good scoring drives thanks to big catches by Max and Brian. Dave contributed an interception on defense, and Jessica had another solid game as signal-caller. And then...hey wait, the final score was 52-18? Where was I? How did that happen? Who am I? Why am I here? That's pretty much how Oxford felt all day.

Okay, this will make you feel better: an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week Narrated by Lando Calrissian!



Jane explains the Commas' woes:

Commas Take a Hit, Cruise to 3-1

Game 3 of the 2011 season will go down as one of the wildest games in the history of Oxford. The opponent this week was the Tribeca Tight Ends, an 0-2 team desperate for a win. They showed it by going up 20-6 early, but the shorthanded Commas shrugged it off and continued to chip away with scores to Jessica and Michelle, and a couple of long plays by Iain. Later, Oxford managed to score a safety by sacking the QB in the end zone, and followed it up with a deep touchdown to Jane, her second of the day.

And then things got a little wacky. There were more scores, some shoving and name-calling, a few questionable calls, a few dirty plays, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. And then, with a minute to go, Oxford scored what appeared to be the winning touchdown when Brian beat the safeties for a long pass. With Oxford up 33-27, Tribeca slowly worked the ball down the field during a minute that seemed to last an hour. With no time left on the clock, they scored, then proceeded to complete the conversion. It was total heartbreak for the Commas after a furious comeback as they lost 34-33.

Game 4 was against the shorthanded Andrew Gish's Robot Army, who, in my mind, deserve the award for coolest uniform (they had robot heads on them!). Oxford was playing with its full roster this time, and jumped out to an insurmountable lead of 32-0 by the intermission, thanks to touchdowns by Ashley, Max, Taylor, and Iain. Jane also contributed an interception early in the game. In the second half, the plucky Robots put 18 quick points on the board, but Oxford responded with a touchdown to Dave and, on the game's final play, a "pick six" for Taylor. Oxford cruised, 52-18.

And, with that, the Commas tied their record for most wins in a season. Yes, it's only three. Shut up and just watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Year (this one is for Dan).

Taylor's pick six against the Robot Army:

Oxford Wins, 45-26.

Oxford faced a team that still did not have a name as of this writing, which makes a blog post difficult to put together. Calling them by their Zog code name of ZKSTB-5 or whatever just doesn't have the same punch. Oh, well--here goes.

Led by Fantasy Football star Taylor, the Commas built what appeared to be a safe lead by halftime. Jon B. picked off a pass and scored both a touchdown and a conversion. But after halftime, the defense allowed the team with the alien name back in the game; suddenly, it was 26-20. Brian whipped the defense back into shape while hypnotizing them with his flowing locks. The team responded with two big interceptions, putting up 19 points in less than three minutes. It was an offensive burst that culminated in a score from J.C. to Taylor, followed by a conversion for birthday girl Ash. (I should mention that this was the second week in a row that both quarterbacks threw touchdowns. Jane threw and caught one the week before--sorry for not putting that in the blog, Ms. B.!) Later, Chel had several receptions to keep the no-names' defense on the field. As a result, Oxford was able to run out the clock, ending the game at 45-26.

So, that makes us 2-0. At the request of Taylor, who scored more often than I could count, here is the Inspirational Clip of the Week (the full version is off to the right).

All of the highlights are from the bar this week.

The Commas show how they try to scare people.



Jon gets kicked off the team for claiming that the Commas wear "Honolulu blue."



How not to give a postgame speech. (This is actually from last week. Again, thanks, Taylor. Jackass.)

We're Back. You're Welcome.

Yes, you can end your hunger strike. The union was able to work out an equitable deal with the league, thereby saving the Zog season. And so, the intrepid Oxford Commas set off on their fifth season.

In the preseason game against the Honey Badgers (yeah, they're named after this), Oxford got off to a shaky start until Matt scored a touchdown to make it 20-6 at the half. The Commas offense finally got moving in the second period, when Dave managed to score three times. Meanwhile, the defense, led by Jon and Dan, forced a turnover and a safety. Oxford would eventually lose 38-29, but there were plenty of bright spots, namely some big catches by Ash and the contributions of rookies Jess (J.C.) and Jenny (J.D.).

In week 1 against a team called Go Deep (which I'm told is not a double entendre), Oxford moved the ball early and often, jumping out to an early lead thanks to touchdowns from Taylor and Max. Jane contributed as a backup QB, both scoring and throwing for scores before the day was over. Dave, Iain, and Brian pitched in with interceptions, Kari and Michelle make a couple of big defensive stops, and, for the second week in a row, everyone on the team had at least one reception. That's how effing dangerous we are, people. The Commas won handily 38-8, after which some Marines who fly the President saluted them for their bravery. No, really, I'm serious.

In honor of our Michigan players who have had a couple of good games (Kari, Dave, and Jon), and to support their team Detroit which is somehow 2-0 as of this writing, I'm posting this Inspirational Clip of the Week.

Enjoy our highlights:


The Honey Badgers score, despite J.D. taking one for the team.



Taylor nearly kills Max on the final play against Go Deep. Gonzo celebrates.

The Prodigal Footage Returns!

I had assumed that this footage was in someone else's possession until Taylor reminded me that Morgan filmed everything on MY camera instead of hers. So, in commemoration of Super Bowl Sunday, here is the footage from our last game.

First, a word about the team we were playing. Not only did they call themselves the Swedish Meatballs, but they also had a guy on their team sporting a half-beard, i.e. a beard covering only half of his face. So I thought we were going to roll right over them. But they did not make it easy in the first half. Dave managed to score an early touchdown, but was almost knocked out of the game due to an illegal move that could have threatened future little Daves (see video below). By halftime, we were only up 12-0; that's two scores, for you soccer fans.

But in the second half, we could do no wrong. Every pass was caught, every play worked out. The skies opened up. We each had the strength of ten men. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria! When it was over, Oxford had scored an additional 36 unanswered points, with touchdowns for Jon, Brian, Elyse, Max, and Michelle. Kari, Jon, and Dave stepped in at quarterback to produce a couple of scoring drives. It was the most ruthlessly efficient performance that allowed the Commas to wrap up the season at 3-4.

So, we try again next season for the playoffs. With that in mind, here is the last Inspirational Football Clip of the year. FYI, training camp begins in July, and will be held at a remote island off the coast of Florida so that we can keep our focus. Be prepared to say goodbye to your wives and your sweethearts for about a month while we get back into football shape.

Here are the highlights:

Max and Dave ride a player out of bounds, prompting debate from everyone on the field and some yokels on the sidelines.



Dave and Elyse prevent a deep pass.



Matt catches a pass on the fullback play.



After his score, Dave discusses the sacrifice he made for the good of the team.



Max catches a pass over the middle.



Jon fakes out his defender and scores.



Taylor steals the ball back. Some great coaching from the sidelines: "AARGH! Get dat ball!"



Brian scores on a conversion.



Brian scoops up the ball on a rollout play.



Elyse rescues a broken play with a first down catch.



Brian scores after screaming for the ball like a little baby. Then he gets assaulted by the cameraman.



With Dave at QB, Ash makes the catch, takes the hit.



Elyse scores on a deep throw from Dave.