Commas 2008 Season (Cue the Green Day Song)

Click to enlarge the following photos:

Photo credits go to Lora and Kari.

Commas Close Season with a Dogfight

The Commas were given the task of playing spoiler to Los Touchitos ("Little Touchers"), a team that had to win in order to get into the playoffs. Fighting through picks and some weirdly rough tackles, Oxford began the game with a long drive that couldn't quite get into the endzone. Ebin set the tone by shrugging aside the guy who, frustrated by his inability to get laid, shoved Ebin out of bounds on one of the first plays of the game. In response, the Touchers, easily the mouthiest team in the league, scored two unanswered touchdowns. A deep pass to Brian late in the first half looked like it could even the playing field, but again the Commas were denied on the one-yard line, and the half ended with Oxford down by 14. It was not until late in the second half when the Commas finally punched through on the "Gonzo" play to Iain. Then Ben, playing with a pin in his broken finger, scored on a two-point conversion at the back of the endzone. There was little the Commas could do at that point, though. The Touchers immediately answered with a long touchdown bomb, putting them outside of the 16-point range that would have forced the clock to stop on each incomplete pass. Oxford had to watch as Los Touchitos drained the clock. Happily, the Commas stopped them on the last play of the game when Sam sacked their quarterback. Final score: 26-8.

My final word on the season is this: the sportsmanship, hustle, and good humor that this team showed should make everyone proud. That was the consensus while the Commas, tipsy on Shock Top, contemplated the sequel, a.k.a. the Winter League. It's still up in the air, but hopefully this will not be the final chapter.

Special thanks go to our fans, Tim, Tanya, Kari, Catherine, and Jared. They took some great photos and videos, which you can view here below. (Some of the other photos will appear in another post.)

http://picasaweb.google.com/catherinelrae/TheCommas#

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jwright40/sets/72157608852895361/

Here are the other highlights. Enjoy.

Ash takes a cleat to the head, but holds on:

The camera crew debates the difference between a center and a quarterback. Meanwhile, the ball is thrown away.

Sam with the catch:

Ben chats up the fans on the sideline. He was later seen texting in the huddle. You believe this guy? Oh yeah, the pass sailed wide.

QB sneak:

Ash with the diving reception:

Oxford is denied again at the goal line.

"Skip this part. In fact, never show it again"--Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

The biggest "Little Toucher" bats the ball away:

Desperation throw to Ben in the back of the endzone--incomplete.

Ebin makes a lunging tackle:

Dayne throws:

Matt moonwalks:

Deep to Matt, but thrown too far:

Dayne to Iain for one of the biggest plays of the day:

Dayne to Ben over the middle:

Is there pass intereference on Ben in this play? Robert DeNiro says, "Little bit, little bit."

Shovel pass to Iain for an easy (cheap) first down:

A throw into heavy traffic is broken up by the "Little Touchers" defense. Elyse, Ben, and Dayne all get a hand on it:

The Commas finally connect on a TD to Iain:

Ben scores on the conversion by toeing the back of the endzone:

Sam's hair is messed up on a short pass:

Ninell dives for it:

Brian, be honest: did this hit you in the hands? If it did, you're gonna run wind sprints until you puke.

The Commas never make anything look easy:

Ebin runs right into your living room. Or should I say cubicle? Hey, get back to work!

Dayne to Robert:

Iain beats a growling defender for the catch:

Deep to Brian:

Robert and Ebin try to reenact "The Catch" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Catch_(American_football), but it's not to be:

The Warmup

On Sunday, the Commas incurred the wrath of the Swingers, a team that was much better than its losing record would suggest--more on that in a minute. It turns out that opening a must-win game with two straight interceptions is not a good idea. Who knew? As a result, the Commas found themselves down 20-0 with time running out in the first half. The Swingers employed a confounding zone defense that allowed Oxford to get close to the endzone, but stopped them cold over and over. In response, the Commas began firing the ball downfield in an attempt to break through, and finally connected with Brian on a long touchdown bomb.

The Swingers, using a quarterback with a howitzer-strength arm and several speedy receivers, piled on more points while the Commas pulled out every trick play they could think of to catch up. On a desperation play late in the game, Iain pulled off the catch of the season when he grabbed a ball that was thrown short. He had to contort his body to make the catch while keeping his feet in bounds for the score. (It was actually a good day for all of the receivers; there were only a few drops, and everyone made a solid contribution on the designed plays.) Brian added the two point conversion on the next play, but by then the game was over. The Swingers added another touchdown to make the score 44-14.

As the Commas packed up, they got to see the Swingers remove their gold jerseys and put on gray ones so that they could play a game in the competitive league. "Were we the warmup?" someone asked. Perhaps, but I'll bet those Swingers were really tired out for their real game. Right? Anyone? Oh, god...

Thanks go to Ebin for taking some photos, which you can see here.

It Takes Two to Whiskey Tango

Look, if you don't like the puns, then start your own Official Oxford Commas Football blog.

The Commas ran into trouble early against Whiskey Tango, one of the teams that is tied for first in the (so-called) casual league. WT's offense featured a relentless passing attack which forced the Commas to pick their poison: the speed demon, or the Jolly Green Giant, both of whom accounted for almost all of Whiskey Tango's points. It turns out you can't double-cover everyone, and before they knew it, the Commas were down 20-0. Not even a vicious blindside hit on the Jolly Green Giant by team player Elyse could slow them down. (Note: the league office just suspended Elyse for the remainder of the season.)

But there was still hope. Dayne put points on the board with a touchdown pass over the middle to Ashley, who made a leaping catch in traffic for her first score of the year. As was the story for most of the half, Oxford couldn't convert because of the blinding sunlight in the endzone--that's our story, and we're sticking to it. Before the half ended, Oxford completed its longest play of the year on a touchdown bomb to Brian. It was the longest play because of a penalty on the previous down. There is no truth to the rumor that Oxford did this on purpose.

At the start of the second half, Oxford tried to go downfield again, only to be denied. Another deep pass to Brian was a bit off target, and WT was able to get the ball back and score two more times. To add to the problems, Robert pulled off the Bonehead Play of the Year when he managed to simply drop the ball on a routine QB sneak. Luckily, no one caught that on film. Or it got erased, same difference.

Oxford managed to score another touchdown on a tough catch by Brian in the corner of the endzone. Then Dayne scored on the two-point conversion to make the game 34-20. But WT had yet another touchdown in them to put the game out of reach. The Commas tried to score one more time on a deep throw to Michelle, but the Giant's long arms and monstrous hands, which exist only in defiance of God's will, picked off the pass with ease, ending Oxford's last attempt at a touchdown. The game ended on a weird play in which a hard pass ricocheted off of Iain's neck and landed in the hands of Whiskey Tango. Final score: 42-20.

Following the game, the Commas filled up on Shock Top and IPA at Black Sheep, the horror of the "official" Zog bar a distant memory. There, the real high-pressure match took place: JENGA! It has all the strategy of football, only with little wooden blocks!

Before the highlights, Commas Nation should think about the following: There are two games left. With this in mind, assistant Coach Repino, in a move reminiscent of Joe Namath in Super Bowl III, predicted victory on November 2. His fourteen-minute, unprintable rant is now posted in every opposing locker room in the league.

A diving reception for Ebin:

Michelle makes the grab before running out of bounds:

Dayne to Ebin for a first down:

A deep pass for Matt goes out of reach:

More Ebin:

Brian holds on for the completion:

Dan, our mercenary for the day, makes the catch and takes the bump:

Iain versus Mount Jenga. [Note: Be warned, this clip has some offensive language. Iain, I'm sorry for what I say about your mom here. I'm sure she's a lovely person.]

Mount Jenga 1, Dayne 0.

[Special thanks to Kari for filming the game.]

The Pause vs. the Paws

The Commas played a team called the Wildcats who actually had a team roar whenever they scored a touchdown. Seriously. It made the Commas realize that their own mascot is not a predator but a pause, in the middle, of a, sentence.

The game began with a defensive struggle, with the Commas forcing the Wildcats to punt. Since it was the first punt the Commas have seen all year, everyone needed a refresher on what they actually needed to do. Unable to score, the Commas turned it over on downs only to steal the ball back when Matt picked off an errant pass. They drove downfield and scored with a pass over the middle to Matt. Suddenly, Oxford had its first lead of the year. It unfortunately didn't last long. The Wildcats were able to put up two touchdowns, leading at the half by 13-6.

The Commas started the second half with the ball, but couldn't capitalize. Meanwhile, the Wildcats brought out their big guns, wearing down the Commas with relentless pass attempts to some of the biggest players in the league. After one of their giants made an impossible catch in traffic, Oxford appealed to the ref about the illegal use of Krazy Glue, to no avail. Later, a reverse handoff by the Wildcats (see the highlight below) put the the game out of reach. Desperate to score, the Commas tried to press the ball downfield, but could not connect, and had to settle for another loss, 26-6.

Special thanks go out to our two mercenaries, Kari (a.k.a. Kate) and Jane (a.k.a. Alexandra); they helped Oxford regulars Ninell, Michelle, and Lora keep the Wildcats' female players out of the endzone. (The politically correct term is "free agents", by the way.) Also, Oxford fan Tanya filmed parts of the game for us, for which we are grateful.

As usual, the evening did not end with football. After weeks of debate, the Oxford team finally tried out the "official" Zogsports bar. It sucked. The moral of the story: never argue with a Scotsman (in this case, Iain) about the quality of a bar. So the Commas headed back to the welcoming arms of the Black Sheep pub. After viewing Game 7 of the American League Championship Series, the team left the bar inspired by the dramatic turnaround of the once-moribund Tampa Bay Rays. Then again, perhaps the Commas were just hopelessly intoxicated. Regardless, the improvement will continue.

Before we get to the highlights, here is one last thought, inspired by the Wilcats' "touchdown roar": can anyone come up with a team logo? This writer can't think of anything beyond a smiley face on a comma.



Ebin with the catch:



Lora pressures the Wildcats' quarterback:



Sam and Robert get in on the act:




The Commas try a long play. Missed it by that much:




Ebin bails us out with the first down:




Matt scoops the ball up from the turf on a crucial 4th and 1:



Matt again:




The Wildcats try a trick play. Seriously, how were we supposed to know that this guy was the running back? Voice in my head: "That's why it's a trick play!"



The Commas try another play downfield to Brian, but are foiled at the last second. But his trash talk is priceless:




Matt: "Can I have the game ball?"
Robert: "Uh...I paid a lot of money for that ball."

Football Is Fun Again

After a difficult stretch of blowout losses, the Commas rallied but came up short in a shootout with the Team With The Unprintable Name (see explanation below), 46-34. Starting off the game shorthanded, Oxford mounted a clock-eating drive thanks to some big catches over the middle by Ebin. But the drive stalled at the goal line, handing the ball over to the bad guys. The opposing team then went up by two touchdowns before the Commas scored on a quarterback sneak. Unfortunately, the Oxford defense could not stop another score with time running out in the first half.

With the game still in reach, the Commas kept picking away, shifting the momentum briefly with a big touchdown grab by Brian that went the length of the field. Brian decided it would be a good idea to repeat the same exact play later in the half, and now does not realize that we will be expecting this kind of production every week. (Whoever picked him for their fantasy league was very happy.)

The Commas piled on more points--a TD pass from Dayne to Robert, and a short "fullback" option to Brian--but they could not stop the clock, and the Team With The Unprintable Name was able to hold on for the win. Still, the performance by the offense nearly doubled the output from the first three games combined. Oxford even managed to score their first two-point conversions of the year, with tough receptions in the corner of the endzone by Iain and Ebin. Come to think of it, these may have been celebrated more than the actual touchdowns.

The rest of the day is a blur of Shock Top summer ale, courtesy of the Commas' post-game bar. Photo evidence is here, courtesy of Ebin: http://www.flickr.com/photos/30129520@N07/sets/72157607997500355/.

And what about that Unprintable Name? Well, a representative from said team has an explanation for us. If you're not easily offended, please watch. If you are easily offended...please watch:

Ladies' Night

The Hot Little Hands (yes, that's a team, not the name of an R & B song from the '70s) outmuscled the scrappy Commas on Sunday, despite the obvious improvement of Oxford's offensive attack. By improvement, I mean we actually have a play. Just one play. Baby steps, people.

Thanks to a couple of clock-eating drives and a timely takeaway, the Commas kept it close in the first half. The "fullback" option frustrated the other team, even after they figured out what we were doing. But the Hands' QB proved to be a real problem, as he was able to run at will right through Oxford's defense. With their unbelievably fast receivers, the Hands had too much firepower. Meanwhile, the Commas, despite some big receptions by Ben, Ebin, and Brian, could not capitalize in the endzone. A sure TD catch for Justin was jarred away in what could have been a pass interference call. Sam's nifty touchdown catch was too little, too late. From then on, the Commas were pressing for quick scores, and the Hands were ready. Please don't look at the final score if you want to focus on the positives: Hands 38, Commas 6.

While the Type-A Hands' players went home and stressed over a missed tackle or a dropped pass, the Commas went out and partied as if it were not a school night. The women of the team (Ash, Dayne, Ninell, and Elyse), who played almost the entire game and who could now run the fullback play in their sleep, were treated to drinks for their valor. Just one round, though. It's the economy.

Here's what we learned:

We can complete short passes until we run out of first downs.
We can play good defense (when we know who we're covering).
We can't go deep yet, but we're working on it.
We need to come up with some red zone plays.

To that end, all members of Comma Nation (Commanists?) are invited to submit plays for the perusal of the whole team. Only plays that score touchdowns are welcome. Brian, please don't submit any that involve stupid distractions, like when a receiver barks like a dog. It's been done.

Finally, please invite your friends to support us, and to take photos and videos. Otherwise, we'll end up with "highlights" like this:





By the way, Brian has now been suspended indefinitely for calling me an asshole.

Thursday Night Lights

Before the Biden/Palin slugfest (hosted by Number One Fan, Grace), the Commas gathered at Central Park to install their new high-powered offense. Highlights are below:

Elyse gives it her all on the "fullback" play:



The buttonhook:



Iain with the catch:



Flashback from Week 2:



Ebin returns an interception for a touchdown. Robert, in pursuit: "Get back here!"



Alexandra to Ben:



Dayne doing her Randall Cunningham impersonation:



This one may be too dark to see, but here we have the night's big controversy: Dayne rolls out to her right and throws a TD to Iain just as she is sacked. Does she get the release the ball in time? The world may never know:

Oxford Commas 12, Nimble Minx 14...in the Second Half

Let's pretend for a moment that the 28-0 run that the Minx had in the first half never happened.

Now that that's out of the way, we can discuss the positives: a shorthanded Commas team fought through injuries and bad weather to hold the Minx to two scores in the second half, even though the Nimbles still were going for blood with the game out of reach. We had timely interceptions by Ben and Michelle (both in the endzone) to go with some big receptions by Brian and Dayne's first touchdown of the year.

In the absence of SportsCenter, football analyst Ben will diagram his TD scamper using the implements of a typical Brooklyn pub:

Sports Cliches Help Ease the Pain of Losing 40-6

The Oxford Commas began their season with a scrimmage against some nameless team. (ZS-BKFB 2? More like WTF!) Yaddah-yaddah-yaddah, one thing led to another. The no-names clearly needed the practice, because they felt the need to score 40 points on us. Do you think they're compensating for something?

Regardless of the final score, we had some outstanding plays, including Brian's performace as free safety, Michelle's concentration on her TD reception, Matt and Justin's playing through injuries, and a few high-pressure catches by Dayne, Ian, Sam, and Ash. We also had Lora "sweeping the leg" of the bad guys' best receiver, which will make him think twice the next time he tries to go over the middle.

To break it all down for us, our resident sports "experts" explain it all ESPN-style:

More Gridiron Glory (And One Photo from a Burger Joint)

A Detailed Description of How the Commas Will Destroy You

So here is the "Pass Tree", which you can see in more detail here. This shows the basic pass routes that receivers run in order to get open. The easiest ones, i.e. the ones that we have already mastered (wink, wink), are:

#1 - Quick Out. Drive out 5 yards then 90 degrees and drift to sidelines. (In one of the videos posted earlier, this is what Sam does before Brian knocks him to the ground.)

#3 - Deep Out. Drive out 10 yards then 90 degrees and drift to sidelines. (There is a video of Justin doing this, but the catch is obscured by a tree. In any event, this was the play where I asked everyone to line up on the left, go deep, and then head for the sideline.)

#4 - Drag Route. Drive out 3 strides then drag on a 45 degree (or 90) angle to the center of the field. (This is actually what Dayne does in her video. She starts on the right, runs downfield, and cuts to the center of the field. I don't throw until she's at the sideline, but better late than never.)

#0 - Quick Hitch Route. Drive out two strides then come back to QB on a 45, establish a wide stance and frame yourself. Wait a minute--I don't even see this on the tree! Whatever. This was the play that Ebin referred to as "Duke", where the person who lined up on the outside ran parallel to the line of scrimmage for a quick pass. Ninell can now do this with her eyes closed. Come to think of it, Lora has already accomplished this feat as well.

#9 - Streak Route (Fly Route). This is usually what I mean when I say "go deep." Keep in mind that veering to the right or left (like #8 or #5) will open you up more than just going in a straight line . Also, if you go deep and the play is still going, run back hard to the quarterback. It's a sure way to get open.

Some plays we should try in our next practice or game are:

#8 - Post Route. Drive out 8 yards, show hand fake and look back at QB, then sprint to deep center of the field; opposite of#5, which goes to the sideline. (This is what what Ebin does perfectly in his video.)

#2 - Slant Route. Drive out 3 strides then slant 45 degrees. This is a timing route, Expect the ball immediatley!

With a little work, we'll be completing plays like this before you know it.

Right, just like that.

The Commas vs. The Stars and Stripes

America celebrated the start of the Commas' season by unfurling the flag:

NFL Films Presents (continued)

Sam gets the Academy Award for Best Tumble After a Routine Reception:

NFL Films Presents

Imagine the deep-voiced John Facenda narrating these heroic films of gridiron warriors.

Here is Dayne scoring by toeing the line:

Ebin scores on a deep route after a stutter-step:

Getting Down to Business

Here is your source of information for the season, cut and pasted from our email conversation:

Scrimmage: Sept. 21^st

Games (estimated): Sept 28, Oct 5, 12, 19, 26, Nov 2

Location: 510 Clermont Avenue (Clermont bet. Fulton St/Harriet Ross Tubman and Atlantic Avenue)

We’ll all find out on Sept 15 what time the scrimmage is going to be, but it’ll be sometime between 12 PM and 5 PM. Please sign the waivers if you haven’t done so already. You’ll need to sign it before scrimmage. You’re all welcome to invite friends to join; they can be added until after the first game. If you’ve had second thoughts and don’t want to receive any football related emails from ZogSports or us, also let us know.

How to Throw a Football, by Ben K.

Welcome to the 2008 season of your Oxford Commas.  Not that we need any tips on anything, but Ben has offered to show the football-impaired (a.k.a. communists) how to throw the pigskin. Watch and learn.