After Long Campaign, Commas Again Reach Playoffs

It was a long road to the playoffs this year, thanks in large part to the gift that kept on giving: Hurricane Sandy. For the Commas, that odyssey began in what had to be one of the oddest games of the year, when the Zog overlords declared that Oxford would face the Tribeca Tight Ends in a match that ended less than an hour before the subways shut down in advance of the storm. Needless to say, it was a bit windy, which turned the game into a defensive struggle. Oxford held the lead until about a minute to go, when Tribeca scored to put them up one. The Commas then began a march down the field that ended with a touchdown for Daniel in the corner of the endzone. On the last play of the game, Tribeca attempted a Hail Mary pass, but the defense knocked it away. (Note: Tribeca showed up despite the fact that they had been evacuated earlier that day, while a few other teams simply forfeited without telling their opponents. The football gods approve.)

The following week's games were postponed, so the Commas had to wait until after the election to play the Button Holes again. This time, Oxford did not have an answer for their passing attack, and two early interceptions stalled the Commas' scoring attempts. On the bright side, guest defensive lineman Major Mike B. (USMC) had a sack on 100% of his plays (1 for 1). Still, Oxford was too far behind by the end, and lost by two scores.

Dave gets a short pass against the Button Holes. Jane takes a quick pass along the sideline for a big gain.
The difficulties continued in the rematch with the Honey Badgers the next week. Though the Commas were undermanned, they jumped out to an early 19-0 lead, thanks to big scoring plays for Max and Daniel, along with interceptions by Max and Paul. But the Badgers regrouped after halftime, going on a 26-0 scoring run that included a pick six.

So, the Commas had to recover over Thanksgiving (you know--when the season is normally finished and we're getting fat again.) They returned to face Andrew Gish's Robot Army, who were slogging through a tough season themselves. The Commas raced out to an early lead that they did not relinquish this time. Max scored on the first play, Daniel took in an interception for a score on the next play, and Oxford was rolling. Later, Iain followed up the best interception of the year with long touchdown reception on a broken play. Elyse caught a conversion in traffic, and Jessica added two scores of her own.

Jessie scores, but a conversion attempt to Ash is off the mark. Just a little out of bounds for Max. Jon passes to Ashley. The defense tries to contain a throw down field.

As a result of all this, Oxford had to play the NY VaGiants in the playoffs in one of the most exciting games in team history. In the wet weather, the NY quarterback threw an interception to Daniel on the opening drive, and the Commas took about 10 plays to move seven yards into the end zone. On the touchdown play, Jessica threw to Daniel, who caught it but then fell backward out of the end zone. The referees conferred for a few minutes before giving it to Oxford. The Commas scored again when Jane caught a touchdown in the corner. But then NY took the lead with two quick strikes down field to their star receiver and part time ninja. Oxford scored again on a deep strike to Daniel, making the score 19-14 at halftime. Unfortunately, Oxford would not get into the end zone again, even after a 4th down bomb to Max put them on the one yard line. NY could not be contained forever, and they eventually broke out with three more scores. The game ended after NY made a one-handed interception that gave the VaGiants possession and allowed them to run out the clock. A tough end to a long campaign. But, thanks to this extended fall season, winter is only a few weeks away. Oh, god.

I made it through that whole paragraph without a double entendre involving the female anatomy. You're welcome.

The Commas hung out to watch part of the championship between the Badgers and the VaGiants. The Badgers would go on to win it. My official story--and I'm sticking to it--is that we stepped aside so that the charities represented by these two teams could share in the wealth.

Here's your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week (surprise--it has an Oxford connection). More to come in 2013.

Commas Overcome Zombie Foot, Wardrobe Malfunctions to Start 2-1

The schedule deities decided that the Commas would face, for the first time in a few years, the team with the best name in the league: the NY VaGiants. Oxford's defense saved the game, getting off to a good start with a interception returned for a touchdown in the first half. Daniel and Iain also had picks. Slowly, the Commas overcame a 12-point deficit to take the lead. Brian, playing in his last game, iced it with a last-minute touchdown, while Ash also pitched in her first score of the year. Commas win something like 30-18. The following week, Oxford played the regrouped Honey Badgers. Technically, it was a shootout because both teams scored a lot of points. But it wasn't close--the HBs won the turnover battle, and piled on nearly 50 points (it may have been more, but I was blacked out by then). Oxford controlled the ball, but couldn't keep up in scoring only 26. (Special thanks to newest ringer, Molly "Icepick" T.)

On top of all that, Oxford's aging, decrepit QB suffered what looked like a season-ending ankle sprain, giving him a terrible case of zombie foot (i.e. his foot looked like it belonged on a cadaver). And then, even worse: the Commas were playing the Button Holes in week 3, a team that wore our classic powder blue color. So, we had to switch to burgundy. It worked. Defense had another big game, thanks in large part to Daniel and Max having several interceptions each. Oh, did I mention that we coaxed Max out of retirement. GM of the year, right here, folks. They also pitched in big catches, along with Jane, Jessica, Paul--actually, everyone had a catch this week. Iain had a TD. The QB's foot didn't fall off in a putrid pile of rotting flesh. Everything worked out. On that note, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. See you on the other side of Hurricane Sandy.

Commas Win Preaseason Matchup (Without the Benefit of Replacement Refs!)

After an offseason spent training in the Russian wilderness, Rocky IV style, the Oxford Commas returned for the fall 2012 season ready to take on longtime rival, the Honey Badgers. You may remember the Badgers from previous episodes such as Oxford Loses, Oxford Loses, and Oxford Loses. But this time, the Commas had a plan, and it involved scoring more points than the Badgers. So, they got off to a good start, with touchdowns to Daniel, Dave, and Jane (along with conversions for Brian and Paul). After halftime, the offense kind of...stopped working, and so it was up to the defense to hang on to the 22-0 lead. The Badgers ended up scoring 18 in the second period, and had possession with less than a minute to play. But the Oxford defense rose to the occasion when Daniel picked off his second pass of the day at the goal line. Brian and Paul also had interceptions. Meanwhile, Jane and Ash filled in at QB, running the old-school sprint option and completing all but one pass attempt in a bid to unseat yours truly. They were cut for being insolent.

Yes, we know it was just the preseason, but it felt good. Here, watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week and you'll forget that it didn't count. Dan, you should like this one.

(...and, we got new uniforms.)

Your Oxford Commas Are the Champions

We knew this day would come. Actually, no we didn't. Especially not this year, after starting 1-3, not being able to score to save our lives, and sinking to the bottom of the division. But, somehow the Commas rallied to take the whole thing--an event that the ancient Mayans surely predicted for 2012.

Unlike the Football-pocalypse from last season, this year's playoffs featured a semifinal and a final, with no teams earning a bye. First on the docket were the top-seeded Closers, whom the Commas had defeated in a bitterly cold Week 5 game. This time, the Closers arrived with reinforcements, including a new quarterback and a new-look defense. It was not until midway through the first half that Oxford was able to get a first down. Meanwhile, the Closers took a 6-0 lead, and appeared poised to turn the game into a massacre. (By that, I mean that they intercepted me. A lot.) But the defense held, thanks to timely interceptions by Will and Daniel. Eventually, Oxford tied it at 6 with a pass to the corner to Max, who once again showed fancy footwork by staying in bounds while cradling the ball. On the next series, Jessica found Jane in the end zone to give Oxford a tentative 12-6 lead. Then, with the Closers on Oxford's one yard line, Will picked off a pass and returned it all the way for a score. In the six seasons since Dayne founded the team, this has to be the most clutch play in the history of the Oxford Commas (look at it below...do it). The Commas would score twice more--including another for Jane--closing out the game and returning to the championship.

For the final, Oxford faced New Jack City, who had managed to defeat the Honey Badgers in round one, making them the favorites to win the division. New Jack had also beaten the Commas during the seemingly endless losing streak (which we will never mention again). Once again, Oxford got off to a slow start; two deep passes to Dan and Max that could have produced points instead ended up missing the target. The main highlight of the half was Jon's booming punt, which sent the ball over the fence and out of play for all eternity. But then, Oxford managed to tie the game on a busted play in which Mike made a great catch in the corner (highlight is below). Once again, the game was tied at 6 at halftime. But after the half, Oxford's offense finally came to life on a drive that ended with a score for Daniel. On the next series, a busted screen pass somehow led to a touchdown bomb for Ash. Meanwhile, the defense kept New Jack in check; Will had a few more interceptions, while Dan and Jon terrorized the opposing team's quarterbacks. (I mean, seriously: imagine those two running after you. Do it.) The offense continued to roll, with another score for Mike, and a quarterback sneak for a touchdown. By then, the game was decided. The lowest-seeded Commas could finally celebrate their accomplishment. Hell may not have frozen over, but winter has now been conquered--the Commas are the champs.

(Also, hats off to our opponents, who were very sportsmanlike. It should be mentioned that the Closers and New Jack are all teachers at the same Brooklyn high school, so they're all right in my book.)

So proud of my Commas today--thanks so much for a great season of sportsmanship, camaraderie, hustle, humor, and beer. (I'm told we also raised money for our charity, Housing Works.) I told everyone that I would have been proud even if we had been annihilated in round one, but this outcome is obviously much better. Because we were the lowest seed but still managed to win it all, I can't help but put up this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. But for some really amazing stuff--performed by real professionals--please see the footage below.


Highlights from the semifinal:

Max catches a pass on the one yard line. (Jane would score on the next play on a pass from Jessica.)



Leia and Dan help to break up a pass.



Will saves the day with a pick-6, the greatest play in Commas history.



After Jane scores again, Daniel grabs the conversion.




Highlights from the Championship:

Mike enters your living room.



Max with another catch.



Will makes a catch, but then the Commas turn it over on a deep pass. Kevin the videographer sums it up: "Ooof."



Jon gets his first of several batted balls. Yeah, there's no other way to phrase that, I'm sorry.



Jenny catches a short pass, then a long throw to Mike is batted away.



After Max gets the first down, Mike scores on a busted play. A conversion attempt to Dan gets batted away, making it 6-6.



Jessica and Michael keep the ball moving in the second half.



A short pass to Daniel gives Oxford a 12-6 lead.



The two-headed monster attack of Dan and Jon leads to another sack:



...and another, this time on 4th down:



One for Ash, one for Max:



Michelle almost gets a score, but it gets knocked away. Supposedly because the QB didn't spot her until it was too late (that's Will growling, "She's ooooopen!"):



The defense sniffs out the screen pass, so we instead throw a deep touchdown for Ash, putting Oxford up 18-6.



We finally let Dan catch a pass:



Sorry, I have to put this in:



At long last, the Commas can celebrate:

Commas Rise from the Dead, Storm Back to the Playoffs

The Commas were left for dead a few weeks ago, when a crippling losing streak dropped them to the bottom of the division with a 1-3 record. But thanks to a renewed determination, and some timely sacrifices to the football gods, Oxford got its act together to sneak into the playoffs once again.

In Game 6, the shorthanded Commas faced the Tebowners, and the winner would be rewarded with the last playoff spot. Team Tebow took an early lead 7-0, but Oxford answered when Will made perhaps the greatest catch in the history of the franchise (see the highlight below). Later, Mike scored on a short play to the corner, and then Jane put the game out of reach with a touchdown pass to Daniel on the last play of the half. Oxford would go on to play its most solid game of the season. Daniel scored twice more, while Jane threw another touchdown to Mike to make it 41-7. Ash, Jenny, Michelle all made big plays on offense. Mike had two interceptions from the middle linebacker spot, and Jane finished the game with a pick of her own.

The moral of the story: the Commas do not quit.

So now, it's a brand new season. And in honor of Will's great catch, and Jane's lefty quarterbacking, I thought this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week was fitting. I mean, seriously, can you believe that catch? Have you fought that hard for a pass before? Have you fought that hard for anything in your life? Huh, you little punk? Answer me!

Okay, okay, I'm calm. Here are the highlights (credit Kevin, who was nursing a badly sprained ankle):

Ash on the power dive.



Will gets the Commas on the board with the catch of the year. Even the ref was praising it ("The dead ball!")



Ash follows up with a conversion.



Jane gets a quick pass over the middle.



Jenny catches one in traffic.



Kevin calls for a booth review on a catch by Jane.



Mike catches a floater in the corner for a touchdown; Will tries for the conversion, but the throw is too high.



Oxford follows up a perfectly executed screen pass on 4th and 1 with a dumb interception. The fans began calling for Tebow for the rest of the game.



Jane plays textbook defense.



Will plays even textbooker defense.



Jane throws a bomb to Daniel on the last play of the half. Daniel then scores the conversion, making it 20-7 Oxford.



Chel catches one, takes a hit, looks really grumpy. "When does softball start?" she wonders.



Mike catches another clutch first down, then Jane gets a quick pass. After that, we have a teachable moment. Kids: never, ever run to your left and then try to throw deep to your right. Just don't do it. Can you remember that, stupid?

Commas End Losing Streak, Stay Alive in Playoff Hunt

The shorthanded Commas could have taken it easy this week and dropped out of the playoff race, but like a group of drama queens, they decided to make the season a little more complicated by beating one of the top teams the in the league. That team was the unironically named Closers (I always get nervous playing a team whose name is not a double entendre). Like so many games this year, it turned into a defensive slugfest; the weather was so cold that, at one point, I considered duct-taping broken glass to my knuckles, Liam Neeson-style. But, unlike the other games, the Commas went through the trouble of taking an early lead when Will scored on a deep throw to the corner. Jon followed up with a touchdown of his own, making it 12-0 at halftime. Yes, you read that right: we actually scored more than one touchdown this week. The defense held in the second half, thanks to timely interceptions by Jenny and mercenary Max (who had three). Another mercenary, Jessica, had a solid game at quarterback (she should have had a touchdown, but was robbed by a close call on the goal line. Later, Will had an interception and returned it all the way to Closers' ten yard line. On the very next play, he iced the game with another score. The Closers made it into the endzone on the last play, but the final score was in Oxford's favor, 20-6. To stay alive, the Commas will have to win again in Game 6.

If that does not excite you, then watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And if that doesn't excite you, you need to see a therapist.

The Playoffs Begin Now! (...Because We're 1-3.)

Well, this one was especially tough. Oxford was hoping to finally break out of its scoring funk against the winless team known as Potentiall Offensive, but it became clear very early that this would be another low-scoring defensive battle (not as bad as soccer, but close). After falling behind, Oxford tied the game at 6 when Will caught a short touchdown pass in the corner of the end zone. Jane chipped in throughout the day with several big catches as well. But the Potentially Offensives (POs? I don't know) broke the game open with a late interception return for a score, putting the Commas in a big hole. Oxford could only watch as the clock ran down, and even a late scoring drive that was only for pride fell short at the end. Final score: PO 20, Oxford 6. Luckily, Gisele kept her stupid mouth shut after this one.

So, the very simple plan is to win from here on. Oh, and to keep drinking at that German beer house conveniently located near Oxford Commas Stadium (see the "highlights" below). Which brings us to the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. To stay alive, we'll have to do everything this guy did, even though it's all completely illegal in our two-touch league.





Dan and Kevin discuss the complexity of the West Coast offense, and whether Green Bay's version of it in the late 1990s was a "true" iteration, or a mere bastardization of the designers' original intent.





Jane and Leia agree that a zone defense works better than man-to-man against a screen pass (except, of course, in third-and-long situations, in which case you might as well go man-to-man in order to exploit the weak-side fullback, who most likely will be chip-blocking the free safety [duh]):

Oxford Joins the NFC East

The cold weather finally caught up with the Commas in weeks 2 and 3, making points hard to come by in two uncharacteristic defensive showdowns. In Week 2, Oxford faced the Honey Badgers once again. That would be the team that blew out the Commas 52-18 in their last meeting. But the Commas defense came up huge this time. After Iain scored a touchdown, Oxford kept the game at manageable 12-6 at the half. In the second period, the Badgers got into the end zone only once more to make it 19-6. But that, unfortunately, is where the score remained for the rest of the day. Despite some big catches by Mike and Jane, a handful of offensive drives stalled near the Badgers goal line; Oxford was able to move the ball, but couldn't "get it in," as Snooki so often says. What?

A week later, Oxford faced a team made up of school teachers who chose the hilarious and ominous name New Jack City, which took me back to '91, back when Randall Cunningham was still the Eagles' QB, and I had an amazing hi-top fade haircut. Once again, the Commas could move the ball, but couldn't seal the deal, leaving it up to the defense to keep them alive. Luckily, the defense was up to the task: Ash and Kevin each had an interception, Will had two. Jon added a couple of sacks to his running tally. Meanwhile, on offense, Oxford finally got on the board when Gonzo broke through the defense and scored on a long touchdown bomb. Later, Mercenary Michelle nearly scored on a big catch at the goal line, but she was ruled an inch or two short. With time running out, and Oxford down 20-6, the Commas cut into the lead when Gonzo scored in the corner of the end zone. But the clock was not on their side; New Jack City was able to run out the remaining time, given them the 20-12 win.


Sigh. Two great defensive stands, reminiscent of the classic cold weather NFC East showdowns, and the Commas are still 1-2. In order to get back on track, I hereby order all of our players (and all three of our fans) to watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. This one, for real, may be my favorite play of all time.

And here the the "highlights":

This is easily the worst pregame interview of all time.



Kevin and Will make the most of the winter wonderland.

Winter Commas Hang On to Start Season 1-0

The question on everyone's mind for the first game of winter football was, "How did I get talked into this?" Needless to say, it was a bit cold on Sunday, making it perfect football weather for the reconstituted Winter Commas.

And I will blame the "reconstituting" for what happened on the very first play, when the awesomely named Tebowners scored on a long pass to make it 6-0. A few minutes later, they scored again, putting Oxford in a deep hole. But the Commas slowly dug their way out, thanks to a stout defense led by Dan "I'm Your Best Defensive Player" Gonzo. Both Jane and Jenny snagged interceptions in the first half. Later, Jon made a big play to give Oxford their first first down of the game (shut up). A few plays after that, Dan scored by grabbing a tipped pass from Jane.

In the second half, after a really long pass to Iain, Oxford got another touchdown on a tipped pass thrown by Jane; this time, it was the newcomer Leia who made the heads-up play, while Jane acted as if she threw it that way on purpose. This made the score 19-18 Tebowners, and Oxford briefly took the lead when Kevin grabbed the two-point conversion. It would not last long; the Tebowners went up 25-20 with another score, but the Commas answered when Mike made a diving catch in the end zone. Will scored the conversion, making it 27-25 Oxford. With a minute left, the Commas tried to run out the clock, but it didn't quite work out as planned. So the Tebowners got the ball with a few seconds left, and attempted a Hail Mary pass; Kevin and Will knocked it to the ground, and Oxford sneaked away with the comeback win. With their strong showing, the rookies avoided another round of brutal hazing.

Unless he wins this weekend, I promise that this will be the only Inspirational Football Clip of the Week to feature Tim Tebow.