It Takes Two to Whiskey Tango

Look, if you don't like the puns, then start your own Official Oxford Commas Football blog.

The Commas ran into trouble early against Whiskey Tango, one of the teams that is tied for first in the (so-called) casual league. WT's offense featured a relentless passing attack which forced the Commas to pick their poison: the speed demon, or the Jolly Green Giant, both of whom accounted for almost all of Whiskey Tango's points. It turns out you can't double-cover everyone, and before they knew it, the Commas were down 20-0. Not even a vicious blindside hit on the Jolly Green Giant by team player Elyse could slow them down. (Note: the league office just suspended Elyse for the remainder of the season.)

But there was still hope. Dayne put points on the board with a touchdown pass over the middle to Ashley, who made a leaping catch in traffic for her first score of the year. As was the story for most of the half, Oxford couldn't convert because of the blinding sunlight in the endzone--that's our story, and we're sticking to it. Before the half ended, Oxford completed its longest play of the year on a touchdown bomb to Brian. It was the longest play because of a penalty on the previous down. There is no truth to the rumor that Oxford did this on purpose.

At the start of the second half, Oxford tried to go downfield again, only to be denied. Another deep pass to Brian was a bit off target, and WT was able to get the ball back and score two more times. To add to the problems, Robert pulled off the Bonehead Play of the Year when he managed to simply drop the ball on a routine QB sneak. Luckily, no one caught that on film. Or it got erased, same difference.

Oxford managed to score another touchdown on a tough catch by Brian in the corner of the endzone. Then Dayne scored on the two-point conversion to make the game 34-20. But WT had yet another touchdown in them to put the game out of reach. The Commas tried to score one more time on a deep throw to Michelle, but the Giant's long arms and monstrous hands, which exist only in defiance of God's will, picked off the pass with ease, ending Oxford's last attempt at a touchdown. The game ended on a weird play in which a hard pass ricocheted off of Iain's neck and landed in the hands of Whiskey Tango. Final score: 42-20.

Following the game, the Commas filled up on Shock Top and IPA at Black Sheep, the horror of the "official" Zog bar a distant memory. There, the real high-pressure match took place: JENGA! It has all the strategy of football, only with little wooden blocks!

Before the highlights, Commas Nation should think about the following: There are two games left. With this in mind, assistant Coach Repino, in a move reminiscent of Joe Namath in Super Bowl III, predicted victory on November 2. His fourteen-minute, unprintable rant is now posted in every opposing locker room in the league.

A diving reception for Ebin:

Michelle makes the grab before running out of bounds:

Dayne to Ebin for a first down:

A deep pass for Matt goes out of reach:

More Ebin:

Brian holds on for the completion:

Dan, our mercenary for the day, makes the catch and takes the bump:

Iain versus Mount Jenga. [Note: Be warned, this clip has some offensive language. Iain, I'm sorry for what I say about your mom here. I'm sure she's a lovely person.]

Mount Jenga 1, Dayne 0.

[Special thanks to Kari for filming the game.]

The Pause vs. the Paws

The Commas played a team called the Wildcats who actually had a team roar whenever they scored a touchdown. Seriously. It made the Commas realize that their own mascot is not a predator but a pause, in the middle, of a, sentence.

The game began with a defensive struggle, with the Commas forcing the Wildcats to punt. Since it was the first punt the Commas have seen all year, everyone needed a refresher on what they actually needed to do. Unable to score, the Commas turned it over on downs only to steal the ball back when Matt picked off an errant pass. They drove downfield and scored with a pass over the middle to Matt. Suddenly, Oxford had its first lead of the year. It unfortunately didn't last long. The Wildcats were able to put up two touchdowns, leading at the half by 13-6.

The Commas started the second half with the ball, but couldn't capitalize. Meanwhile, the Wildcats brought out their big guns, wearing down the Commas with relentless pass attempts to some of the biggest players in the league. After one of their giants made an impossible catch in traffic, Oxford appealed to the ref about the illegal use of Krazy Glue, to no avail. Later, a reverse handoff by the Wildcats (see the highlight below) put the the game out of reach. Desperate to score, the Commas tried to press the ball downfield, but could not connect, and had to settle for another loss, 26-6.

Special thanks go out to our two mercenaries, Kari (a.k.a. Kate) and Jane (a.k.a. Alexandra); they helped Oxford regulars Ninell, Michelle, and Lora keep the Wildcats' female players out of the endzone. (The politically correct term is "free agents", by the way.) Also, Oxford fan Tanya filmed parts of the game for us, for which we are grateful.

As usual, the evening did not end with football. After weeks of debate, the Oxford team finally tried out the "official" Zogsports bar. It sucked. The moral of the story: never argue with a Scotsman (in this case, Iain) about the quality of a bar. So the Commas headed back to the welcoming arms of the Black Sheep pub. After viewing Game 7 of the American League Championship Series, the team left the bar inspired by the dramatic turnaround of the once-moribund Tampa Bay Rays. Then again, perhaps the Commas were just hopelessly intoxicated. Regardless, the improvement will continue.

Before we get to the highlights, here is one last thought, inspired by the Wilcats' "touchdown roar": can anyone come up with a team logo? This writer can't think of anything beyond a smiley face on a comma.



Ebin with the catch:



Lora pressures the Wildcats' quarterback:



Sam and Robert get in on the act:




The Commas try a long play. Missed it by that much:




Ebin bails us out with the first down:




Matt scoops the ball up from the turf on a crucial 4th and 1:



Matt again:




The Wildcats try a trick play. Seriously, how were we supposed to know that this guy was the running back? Voice in my head: "That's why it's a trick play!"



The Commas try another play downfield to Brian, but are foiled at the last second. But his trash talk is priceless:




Matt: "Can I have the game ball?"
Robert: "Uh...I paid a lot of money for that ball."

Football Is Fun Again

After a difficult stretch of blowout losses, the Commas rallied but came up short in a shootout with the Team With The Unprintable Name (see explanation below), 46-34. Starting off the game shorthanded, Oxford mounted a clock-eating drive thanks to some big catches over the middle by Ebin. But the drive stalled at the goal line, handing the ball over to the bad guys. The opposing team then went up by two touchdowns before the Commas scored on a quarterback sneak. Unfortunately, the Oxford defense could not stop another score with time running out in the first half.

With the game still in reach, the Commas kept picking away, shifting the momentum briefly with a big touchdown grab by Brian that went the length of the field. Brian decided it would be a good idea to repeat the same exact play later in the half, and now does not realize that we will be expecting this kind of production every week. (Whoever picked him for their fantasy league was very happy.)

The Commas piled on more points--a TD pass from Dayne to Robert, and a short "fullback" option to Brian--but they could not stop the clock, and the Team With The Unprintable Name was able to hold on for the win. Still, the performance by the offense nearly doubled the output from the first three games combined. Oxford even managed to score their first two-point conversions of the year, with tough receptions in the corner of the endzone by Iain and Ebin. Come to think of it, these may have been celebrated more than the actual touchdowns.

The rest of the day is a blur of Shock Top summer ale, courtesy of the Commas' post-game bar. Photo evidence is here, courtesy of Ebin: http://www.flickr.com/photos/30129520@N07/sets/72157607997500355/.

And what about that Unprintable Name? Well, a representative from said team has an explanation for us. If you're not easily offended, please watch. If you are easily offended...please watch:

Ladies' Night

The Hot Little Hands (yes, that's a team, not the name of an R & B song from the '70s) outmuscled the scrappy Commas on Sunday, despite the obvious improvement of Oxford's offensive attack. By improvement, I mean we actually have a play. Just one play. Baby steps, people.

Thanks to a couple of clock-eating drives and a timely takeaway, the Commas kept it close in the first half. The "fullback" option frustrated the other team, even after they figured out what we were doing. But the Hands' QB proved to be a real problem, as he was able to run at will right through Oxford's defense. With their unbelievably fast receivers, the Hands had too much firepower. Meanwhile, the Commas, despite some big receptions by Ben, Ebin, and Brian, could not capitalize in the endzone. A sure TD catch for Justin was jarred away in what could have been a pass interference call. Sam's nifty touchdown catch was too little, too late. From then on, the Commas were pressing for quick scores, and the Hands were ready. Please don't look at the final score if you want to focus on the positives: Hands 38, Commas 6.

While the Type-A Hands' players went home and stressed over a missed tackle or a dropped pass, the Commas went out and partied as if it were not a school night. The women of the team (Ash, Dayne, Ninell, and Elyse), who played almost the entire game and who could now run the fullback play in their sleep, were treated to drinks for their valor. Just one round, though. It's the economy.

Here's what we learned:

We can complete short passes until we run out of first downs.
We can play good defense (when we know who we're covering).
We can't go deep yet, but we're working on it.
We need to come up with some red zone plays.

To that end, all members of Comma Nation (Commanists?) are invited to submit plays for the perusal of the whole team. Only plays that score touchdowns are welcome. Brian, please don't submit any that involve stupid distractions, like when a receiver barks like a dog. It's been done.

Finally, please invite your friends to support us, and to take photos and videos. Otherwise, we'll end up with "highlights" like this:





By the way, Brian has now been suspended indefinitely for calling me an asshole.

Thursday Night Lights

Before the Biden/Palin slugfest (hosted by Number One Fan, Grace), the Commas gathered at Central Park to install their new high-powered offense. Highlights are below:

Elyse gives it her all on the "fullback" play:



The buttonhook:



Iain with the catch:



Flashback from Week 2:



Ebin returns an interception for a touchdown. Robert, in pursuit: "Get back here!"



Alexandra to Ben:



Dayne doing her Randall Cunningham impersonation:



This one may be too dark to see, but here we have the night's big controversy: Dayne rolls out to her right and throws a TD to Iain just as she is sacked. Does she get the release the ball in time? The world may never know: