The shorthanded Commas could have taken it easy this week and dropped out of the playoff race, but like a group of drama queens, they decided to make the season a little more complicated by beating one of the top teams the in the league. That team was the unironically named Closers (I always get nervous playing a team whose name is not a double entendre). Like so many games this year, it turned into a defensive slugfest; the weather was so cold that, at one point, I considered duct-taping broken glass to my knuckles, Liam Neeson-style. But, unlike the other games, the Commas went through the trouble of taking an early lead when Will scored on a deep throw to the corner. Jon followed up with a touchdown of his own, making it 12-0 at halftime. Yes, you read that right: we actually scored more than one touchdown this week. The defense held in the second half, thanks to timely interceptions by Jenny and mercenary Max (who had three). Another mercenary, Jessica, had a solid game at quarterback (she should have had a touchdown, but was robbed by a close call on the goal line. Later, Will had an interception and returned it all the way to Closers' ten yard line. On the very next play, he iced the game with another score. The Closers made it into the endzone on the last play, but the final score was in Oxford's favor, 20-6. To stay alive, the Commas will have to win again in Game 6.
If that does not excite you, then watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And if that doesn't excite you, you need to see a therapist.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
The Playoffs Begin Now! (...Because We're 1-3.)
Well, this one was especially tough. Oxford was hoping to finally break out of its scoring funk against the winless team known as Potentiall Offensive, but it became clear very early that this would be another low-scoring defensive battle (not as bad as soccer, but close). After falling behind, Oxford tied the game at 6 when Will caught a short touchdown pass in the corner of the end zone. Jane chipped in throughout the day with several big catches as well. But the Potentially Offensives (POs? I don't know) broke the game open with a late interception return for a score, putting the Commas in a big hole. Oxford could only watch as the clock ran down, and even a late scoring drive that was only for pride fell short at the end. Final score: PO 20, Oxford 6. Luckily, Gisele kept her stupid mouth shut after this one.
So, the very simple plan is to win from here on. Oh, and to keep drinking at that German beer house conveniently located near Oxford Commas Stadium (see the "highlights" below). Which brings us to the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. To stay alive, we'll have to do everything this guy did, even though it's all completely illegal in our two-touch league.
Dan and Kevin discuss the complexity of the West Coast offense, and whether Green Bay's version of it in the late 1990s was a "true" iteration, or a mere bastardization of the designers' original intent.
Jane and Leia agree that a zone defense works better than man-to-man against a screen pass (except, of course, in third-and-long situations, in which case you might as well go man-to-man in order to exploit the weak-side fullback, who most likely will be chip-blocking the free safety [duh]):
So, the very simple plan is to win from here on. Oh, and to keep drinking at that German beer house conveniently located near Oxford Commas Stadium (see the "highlights" below). Which brings us to the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. To stay alive, we'll have to do everything this guy did, even though it's all completely illegal in our two-touch league.
Dan and Kevin discuss the complexity of the West Coast offense, and whether Green Bay's version of it in the late 1990s was a "true" iteration, or a mere bastardization of the designers' original intent.
Jane and Leia agree that a zone defense works better than man-to-man against a screen pass (except, of course, in third-and-long situations, in which case you might as well go man-to-man in order to exploit the weak-side fullback, who most likely will be chip-blocking the free safety [duh]):
Monday, January 16, 2012
Oxford Joins the NFC East
The cold weather finally caught up with the Commas in weeks 2 and 3, making points hard to come by in two uncharacteristic defensive showdowns. In Week 2, Oxford faced the Honey Badgers once again. That would be the team that blew out the Commas 52-18 in their last meeting. But the Commas defense came up huge this time. After Iain scored a touchdown, Oxford kept the game at manageable 12-6 at the half. In the second period, the Badgers got into the end zone only once more to make it 19-6. But that, unfortunately, is where the score remained for the rest of the day. Despite some big catches by Mike and Jane, a handful of offensive drives stalled near the Badgers goal line; Oxford was able to move the ball, but couldn't "get it in," as Snooki so often says. What?
A week later, Oxford faced a team made up of school teachers who chose the hilarious and ominous name New Jack City, which took me back to '91, back when Randall Cunningham was still the Eagles' QB, and I had an amazing hi-top fade haircut. Once again, the Commas could move the ball, but couldn't seal the deal, leaving it up to the defense to keep them alive. Luckily, the defense was up to the task: Ash and Kevin each had an interception, Will had two. Jon added a couple of sacks to his running tally. Meanwhile, on offense, Oxford finally got on the board when Gonzo broke through the defense and scored on a long touchdown bomb. Later, Mercenary Michelle nearly scored on a big catch at the goal line, but she was ruled an inch or two short. With time running out, and Oxford down 20-6, the Commas cut into the lead when Gonzo scored in the corner of the end zone. But the clock was not on their side; New Jack City was able to run out the remaining time, given them the 20-12 win.
Sigh. Two great defensive stands, reminiscent of the classic cold weather NFC East showdowns, and the Commas are still 1-2. In order to get back on track, I hereby order all of our players (and all three of our fans) to watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. This one, for real, may be my favorite play of all time.
And here the the "highlights":
This is easily the worst pregame interview of all time.
Kevin and Will make the most of the winter wonderland.
A week later, Oxford faced a team made up of school teachers who chose the hilarious and ominous name New Jack City, which took me back to '91, back when Randall Cunningham was still the Eagles' QB, and I had an amazing hi-top fade haircut. Once again, the Commas could move the ball, but couldn't seal the deal, leaving it up to the defense to keep them alive. Luckily, the defense was up to the task: Ash and Kevin each had an interception, Will had two. Jon added a couple of sacks to his running tally. Meanwhile, on offense, Oxford finally got on the board when Gonzo broke through the defense and scored on a long touchdown bomb. Later, Mercenary Michelle nearly scored on a big catch at the goal line, but she was ruled an inch or two short. With time running out, and Oxford down 20-6, the Commas cut into the lead when Gonzo scored in the corner of the end zone. But the clock was not on their side; New Jack City was able to run out the remaining time, given them the 20-12 win.
Sigh. Two great defensive stands, reminiscent of the classic cold weather NFC East showdowns, and the Commas are still 1-2. In order to get back on track, I hereby order all of our players (and all three of our fans) to watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. This one, for real, may be my favorite play of all time.
And here the the "highlights":
This is easily the worst pregame interview of all time.
Kevin and Will make the most of the winter wonderland.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Winter Commas Hang On to Start Season 1-0
The question on everyone's mind for the first game of winter football was, "How did I get talked into this?" Needless to say, it was a bit cold on Sunday, making it perfect football weather for the reconstituted Winter Commas.
And I will blame the "reconstituting" for what happened on the very first play, when the awesomely named Tebowners scored on a long pass to make it 6-0. A few minutes later, they scored again, putting Oxford in a deep hole. But the Commas slowly dug their way out, thanks to a stout defense led by Dan "I'm Your Best Defensive Player" Gonzo. Both Jane and Jenny snagged interceptions in the first half. Later, Jon made a big play to give Oxford their first first down of the game (shut up). A few plays after that, Dan scored by grabbing a tipped pass from Jane.
In the second half, after a really long pass to Iain, Oxford got another touchdown on a tipped pass thrown by Jane; this time, it was the newcomer Leia who made the heads-up play, while Jane acted as if she threw it that way on purpose. This made the score 19-18 Tebowners, and Oxford briefly took the lead when Kevin grabbed the two-point conversion. It would not last long; the Tebowners went up 25-20 with another score, but the Commas answered when Mike made a diving catch in the end zone. Will scored the conversion, making it 27-25 Oxford. With a minute left, the Commas tried to run out the clock, but it didn't quite work out as planned. So the Tebowners got the ball with a few seconds left, and attempted a Hail Mary pass; Kevin and Will knocked it to the ground, and Oxford sneaked away with the comeback win. With their strong showing, the rookies avoided another round of brutal hazing.
Unless he wins this weekend, I promise that this will be the only Inspirational Football Clip of the Week to feature Tim Tebow.
And I will blame the "reconstituting" for what happened on the very first play, when the awesomely named Tebowners scored on a long pass to make it 6-0. A few minutes later, they scored again, putting Oxford in a deep hole. But the Commas slowly dug their way out, thanks to a stout defense led by Dan "I'm Your Best Defensive Player" Gonzo. Both Jane and Jenny snagged interceptions in the first half. Later, Jon made a big play to give Oxford their first first down of the game (shut up). A few plays after that, Dan scored by grabbing a tipped pass from Jane.
In the second half, after a really long pass to Iain, Oxford got another touchdown on a tipped pass thrown by Jane; this time, it was the newcomer Leia who made the heads-up play, while Jane acted as if she threw it that way on purpose. This made the score 19-18 Tebowners, and Oxford briefly took the lead when Kevin grabbed the two-point conversion. It would not last long; the Tebowners went up 25-20 with another score, but the Commas answered when Mike made a diving catch in the end zone. Will scored the conversion, making it 27-25 Oxford. With a minute left, the Commas tried to run out the clock, but it didn't quite work out as planned. So the Tebowners got the ball with a few seconds left, and attempted a Hail Mary pass; Kevin and Will knocked it to the ground, and Oxford sneaked away with the comeback win. With their strong showing, the rookies avoided another round of brutal hazing.
Unless he wins this weekend, I promise that this will be the only Inspirational Football Clip of the Week to feature Tim Tebow.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Pigs Fly! Hell Freezes Over! The Commas Go to the Championship!
The Commas decided to make the most of their first trip to the playoffs, steamrolling through two rounds of the three-game "Football Armageddon" to come within a few yards of beating the league's best team. It was an exhausting, inspiring day. Here are the details.
In the quarterfinals, Oxford played Andrew Gish's Robot Army, a team that was shorthanded when the Commas played them in the regular season. This time, the very game Robots--they of of the awesome sleeveless uniforms--put up a serious fight, and it took a pair of touchdowns by Taylor to keep them at bay in the first half. After the intermission, the Robots managed to pick off a pass and take out Jessica on a brutal hit (it was an accident). But the Commas maintained a two-touchdown lead throughout, eventually extending it to three scores. We don't have the official score, but it was around 30-14. With that efficient win, Oxford accomplished what it had set out to do.
The next game, held immediately afterward against #1 seed Bings, looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Oxford got a break early when Jane picked off a pass on Bings' one-yard line. But it took eight rough plays for the Commas to finally score on an out pattern to Max. The Bings team--well rested after a bye--were taking no prisoners. Taylor left the game with a gashed leg, Jon sat with an injury, and Dave had to fight off a few errant elbows. But Oxford stuck to the game plan and just kept scoring, holding on to an 18-13 lead at halftime thanks to a deep touchdown reception for Michelle. After that, Oxford kept finding ways to get into the end zone. Max, Dave, Taylor, and Brian scored, with Ash adding a conversion somewhere in there, and Elyse providing a few big catches down the stretch. There was even a TD on a quarterback sneak for crying out loud. The defense, led by the Mad Dog Gonzo, kept Bings quiet for the rest of the game. Final score: 51-19. Unbelievable.
So, uh, that meant that Oxford had completed the improbable upset, and would be in the championship against Jerkstore. Yes, that Jerkstore, who had beaten the Honey Badgers in the previous round. Wait, what? That wasn't part of the script! The Commas were supposed to be at the bar by then! To quote Darth Vader: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Not content with simply showing up, Oxford got off to a quick start thanks to a pass interference call on Taylor, which led to the Commas taking an early lead of 6-0. Jerkstore responded with a touchdown, then took advantage when Oxford failed to convert on fourth down deep in its own territory. The half ended with Jerkstore scoring again on a Hail Mary pass, leaving Oxford behind by 14. But the Commas did not quit. Dave and Taylor scored quick touchdowns, while Max, playing one of the best games in Commas history, muscled the ball away from Jerkstore over and over again. (The quote of the day, btw, was when I suggested that we punt, only to have Max scream, "No! We're going for it!" He then caught the ball for a first down.) Later, Jessica hit Brian over the middle to make it 34-26. The defense held on the next series, giving the Commas two minutes to tie the game. With a few quick passes to Jessica and Taylor, they made it to the five yard line with only seconds left. On the last play, a throw to Brian in the corner fell short, giving Jerkstore the victory. It was the end of a long, crazy ride. The Commas were completely spent, but satisfied with how far they had come. Jesus, I'm tired just writing this.
Well, I couldn't be prouder of our team. Thanks to everyone for making it a great season. More highlights to come this winter.
I couldn't resist using this as the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And, in case you ever feel like quitting at anything, or believing the odds, please watch this as well. There will be a quiz on the first day of winter league.
Highlights (thanks, Natalie):
In quarterfinals, the Commas complete the two-minute drill; despite Taylor's great play, the score is nullified because the refs say he stepped out of bounds:
Another long drive, but it ends with an interception:
In the championship game, Taylor scores a touchdown, and Max gets the conversion on a shovel pass.
A catch by Ash, followed by an amazing grab by Max on a pass intended for Jon:
Jessica zips through the defense:
Brian gets a shovel pass. Then Taylor tries to hang on to the ball in heavy traffic:
Jessica throws a touchdown to Brian:
Last play of the game: a pass to Brian falls short, giving Jerkstore the trophy:
In the quarterfinals, Oxford played Andrew Gish's Robot Army, a team that was shorthanded when the Commas played them in the regular season. This time, the very game Robots--they of of the awesome sleeveless uniforms--put up a serious fight, and it took a pair of touchdowns by Taylor to keep them at bay in the first half. After the intermission, the Robots managed to pick off a pass and take out Jessica on a brutal hit (it was an accident). But the Commas maintained a two-touchdown lead throughout, eventually extending it to three scores. We don't have the official score, but it was around 30-14. With that efficient win, Oxford accomplished what it had set out to do.
The next game, held immediately afterward against #1 seed Bings, looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Oxford got a break early when Jane picked off a pass on Bings' one-yard line. But it took eight rough plays for the Commas to finally score on an out pattern to Max. The Bings team--well rested after a bye--were taking no prisoners. Taylor left the game with a gashed leg, Jon sat with an injury, and Dave had to fight off a few errant elbows. But Oxford stuck to the game plan and just kept scoring, holding on to an 18-13 lead at halftime thanks to a deep touchdown reception for Michelle. After that, Oxford kept finding ways to get into the end zone. Max, Dave, Taylor, and Brian scored, with Ash adding a conversion somewhere in there, and Elyse providing a few big catches down the stretch. There was even a TD on a quarterback sneak for crying out loud. The defense, led by the Mad Dog Gonzo, kept Bings quiet for the rest of the game. Final score: 51-19. Unbelievable.
So, uh, that meant that Oxford had completed the improbable upset, and would be in the championship against Jerkstore. Yes, that Jerkstore, who had beaten the Honey Badgers in the previous round. Wait, what? That wasn't part of the script! The Commas were supposed to be at the bar by then! To quote Darth Vader: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
Not content with simply showing up, Oxford got off to a quick start thanks to a pass interference call on Taylor, which led to the Commas taking an early lead of 6-0. Jerkstore responded with a touchdown, then took advantage when Oxford failed to convert on fourth down deep in its own territory. The half ended with Jerkstore scoring again on a Hail Mary pass, leaving Oxford behind by 14. But the Commas did not quit. Dave and Taylor scored quick touchdowns, while Max, playing one of the best games in Commas history, muscled the ball away from Jerkstore over and over again. (The quote of the day, btw, was when I suggested that we punt, only to have Max scream, "No! We're going for it!" He then caught the ball for a first down.) Later, Jessica hit Brian over the middle to make it 34-26. The defense held on the next series, giving the Commas two minutes to tie the game. With a few quick passes to Jessica and Taylor, they made it to the five yard line with only seconds left. On the last play, a throw to Brian in the corner fell short, giving Jerkstore the victory. It was the end of a long, crazy ride. The Commas were completely spent, but satisfied with how far they had come. Jesus, I'm tired just writing this.
Well, I couldn't be prouder of our team. Thanks to everyone for making it a great season. More highlights to come this winter.
I couldn't resist using this as the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And, in case you ever feel like quitting at anything, or believing the odds, please watch this as well. There will be a quiz on the first day of winter league.
Highlights (thanks, Natalie):
In quarterfinals, the Commas complete the two-minute drill; despite Taylor's great play, the score is nullified because the refs say he stepped out of bounds:
Another long drive, but it ends with an interception:
In the championship game, Taylor scores a touchdown, and Max gets the conversion on a shovel pass.
A catch by Ash, followed by an amazing grab by Max on a pass intended for Jon:
Jessica zips through the defense:
Brian gets a shovel pass. Then Taylor tries to hang on to the ball in heavy traffic:
Jessica throws a touchdown to Brian:
Last play of the game: a pass to Brian falls short, giving Jerkstore the trophy:
Monday, November 7, 2011
Commas Complete First Winning Season
Before heading to the playoffs, Oxford had to exorcise the demons from last year's horrific loss to Jerkstore. Some of the Commas--I won't name names--are still in therapy following the 48-0 drubbing in 2010.
This time around, Oxford got off to a slow start thanks to some unfortunate turnovers, which, by the way, are never, ever, the quarterback's fault. But, at the end of the half, Oxford got on the board with a deep throw to Taylor, making the score 25-6. In the second half, Oxford continued to chip away at the lead, thanks to another touchdown for Taylor, followed by a circus-catch score for Elyse. The defense tried to hold on, but Jerkstore managed to get into the end zone again. A late touchdown by Brian was not enough, and Jerkstore was able to get the ball back and wind down the clock. Final score: Jerkstore 38, Oxford 24. But it's worth noting that Oxford outscored Jerkstore in the half, which kind of reminds me of this. ("You cut him! You hurt him! He's not a machine! He's a man!")
And if that doesn't get your blood boiling for the playoffs, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, one of the greatest plays of all time.
No highlights this week, but our intrepid fans Jessie and Rosie brought along Oxford Commas pennants. They'll soon be hearing from our lawyers regarding copyright infringement; we're just like the NFL that way.
Jenny and Jessie wave the Oxford flag.
This time around, Oxford got off to a slow start thanks to some unfortunate turnovers, which, by the way, are never, ever, the quarterback's fault. But, at the end of the half, Oxford got on the board with a deep throw to Taylor, making the score 25-6. In the second half, Oxford continued to chip away at the lead, thanks to another touchdown for Taylor, followed by a circus-catch score for Elyse. The defense tried to hold on, but Jerkstore managed to get into the end zone again. A late touchdown by Brian was not enough, and Jerkstore was able to get the ball back and wind down the clock. Final score: Jerkstore 38, Oxford 24. But it's worth noting that Oxford outscored Jerkstore in the half, which kind of reminds me of this. ("You cut him! You hurt him! He's not a machine! He's a man!")
And if that doesn't get your blood boiling for the playoffs, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, one of the greatest plays of all time.
No highlights this week, but our intrepid fans Jessie and Rosie brought along Oxford Commas pennants. They'll soon be hearing from our lawyers regarding copyright infringement; we're just like the NFL that way.
Jenny and Jessie wave the Oxford flag.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Commas Win Big, Clinch Playoff Spot (Playoffs!?)
There was a time, in the dark days of 2008, when any discussion of the Commas making the playoffs provoked this kind of response:
But on Sunday, the Commas finally answered the call, delivering their most solid performance of the season in a 24-0 shutout of the Multiple Scoregasms, aka the people who stole your idea for a funny team name. Brian scored all four touchdowns (a team record?), at one point taking a quick handoff and sneaking around the entire Scoregasms defense for six. Dan had an interception after grabbing a pass that Matt deflected, which was nice, because we never throw to him on offense. Jon had another fine defensive performance, with some help from Elyse, Kari, Chel, and Ash. Jane and Jessica contributed some big plays on offense.
So, the season will live on for one more week, when Zog hosts what can only be described as Football Armageddon: a marathon playoff in which the champion must win three games back-to-back-to-back. Whoever came up with this system is either insane...or a genius.
Since we had some oddly cold weather for this game, with snow in the end zones, here is an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week from the 51st state. The snow is so pretty!
And, here are the Commas wrapping up the win; a smug Jessica is pleased.
But on Sunday, the Commas finally answered the call, delivering their most solid performance of the season in a 24-0 shutout of the Multiple Scoregasms, aka the people who stole your idea for a funny team name. Brian scored all four touchdowns (a team record?), at one point taking a quick handoff and sneaking around the entire Scoregasms defense for six. Dan had an interception after grabbing a pass that Matt deflected, which was nice, because we never throw to him on offense. Jon had another fine defensive performance, with some help from Elyse, Kari, Chel, and Ash. Jane and Jessica contributed some big plays on offense.
So, the season will live on for one more week, when Zog hosts what can only be described as Football Armageddon: a marathon playoff in which the champion must win three games back-to-back-to-back. Whoever came up with this system is either insane...or a genius.
Since we had some oddly cold weather for this game, with snow in the end zones, here is an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week from the 51st state. The snow is so pretty!
And, here are the Commas wrapping up the win; a smug Jessica is pleased.
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