Your Oxford Commas Are the Champions

We knew this day would come. Actually, no we didn't. Especially not this year, after starting 1-3, not being able to score to save our lives, and sinking to the bottom of the division. But, somehow the Commas rallied to take the whole thing--an event that the ancient Mayans surely predicted for 2012.

Unlike the Football-pocalypse from last season, this year's playoffs featured a semifinal and a final, with no teams earning a bye. First on the docket were the top-seeded Closers, whom the Commas had defeated in a bitterly cold Week 5 game. This time, the Closers arrived with reinforcements, including a new quarterback and a new-look defense. It was not until midway through the first half that Oxford was able to get a first down. Meanwhile, the Closers took a 6-0 lead, and appeared poised to turn the game into a massacre. (By that, I mean that they intercepted me. A lot.) But the defense held, thanks to timely interceptions by Will and Daniel. Eventually, Oxford tied it at 6 with a pass to the corner to Max, who once again showed fancy footwork by staying in bounds while cradling the ball. On the next series, Jessica found Jane in the end zone to give Oxford a tentative 12-6 lead. Then, with the Closers on Oxford's one yard line, Will picked off a pass and returned it all the way for a score. In the six seasons since Dayne founded the team, this has to be the most clutch play in the history of the Oxford Commas (look at it below...do it). The Commas would score twice more--including another for Jane--closing out the game and returning to the championship.

For the final, Oxford faced New Jack City, who had managed to defeat the Honey Badgers in round one, making them the favorites to win the division. New Jack had also beaten the Commas during the seemingly endless losing streak (which we will never mention again). Once again, Oxford got off to a slow start; two deep passes to Dan and Max that could have produced points instead ended up missing the target. The main highlight of the half was Jon's booming punt, which sent the ball over the fence and out of play for all eternity. But then, Oxford managed to tie the game on a busted play in which Mike made a great catch in the corner (highlight is below). Once again, the game was tied at 6 at halftime. But after the half, Oxford's offense finally came to life on a drive that ended with a score for Daniel. On the next series, a busted screen pass somehow led to a touchdown bomb for Ash. Meanwhile, the defense kept New Jack in check; Will had a few more interceptions, while Dan and Jon terrorized the opposing team's quarterbacks. (I mean, seriously: imagine those two running after you. Do it.) The offense continued to roll, with another score for Mike, and a quarterback sneak for a touchdown. By then, the game was decided. The lowest-seeded Commas could finally celebrate their accomplishment. Hell may not have frozen over, but winter has now been conquered--the Commas are the champs.

(Also, hats off to our opponents, who were very sportsmanlike. It should be mentioned that the Closers and New Jack are all teachers at the same Brooklyn high school, so they're all right in my book.)

So proud of my Commas today--thanks so much for a great season of sportsmanship, camaraderie, hustle, humor, and beer. (I'm told we also raised money for our charity, Housing Works.) I told everyone that I would have been proud even if we had been annihilated in round one, but this outcome is obviously much better. Because we were the lowest seed but still managed to win it all, I can't help but put up this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. But for some really amazing stuff--performed by real professionals--please see the footage below.


Highlights from the semifinal:

Max catches a pass on the one yard line. (Jane would score on the next play on a pass from Jessica.)



Leia and Dan help to break up a pass.



Will saves the day with a pick-6, the greatest play in Commas history.



After Jane scores again, Daniel grabs the conversion.




Highlights from the Championship:

Mike enters your living room.



Max with another catch.



Will makes a catch, but then the Commas turn it over on a deep pass. Kevin the videographer sums it up: "Ooof."



Jon gets his first of several batted balls. Yeah, there's no other way to phrase that, I'm sorry.



Jenny catches a short pass, then a long throw to Mike is batted away.



After Max gets the first down, Mike scores on a busted play. A conversion attempt to Dan gets batted away, making it 6-6.



Jessica and Michael keep the ball moving in the second half.



A short pass to Daniel gives Oxford a 12-6 lead.



The two-headed monster attack of Dan and Jon leads to another sack:



...and another, this time on 4th down:



One for Ash, one for Max:



Michelle almost gets a score, but it gets knocked away. Supposedly because the QB didn't spot her until it was too late (that's Will growling, "She's ooooopen!"):



The defense sniffs out the screen pass, so we instead throw a deep touchdown for Ash, putting Oxford up 18-6.



We finally let Dan catch a pass:



Sorry, I have to put this in:



At long last, the Commas can celebrate:

Commas Rise from the Dead, Storm Back to the Playoffs

The Commas were left for dead a few weeks ago, when a crippling losing streak dropped them to the bottom of the division with a 1-3 record. But thanks to a renewed determination, and some timely sacrifices to the football gods, Oxford got its act together to sneak into the playoffs once again.

In Game 6, the shorthanded Commas faced the Tebowners, and the winner would be rewarded with the last playoff spot. Team Tebow took an early lead 7-0, but Oxford answered when Will made perhaps the greatest catch in the history of the franchise (see the highlight below). Later, Mike scored on a short play to the corner, and then Jane put the game out of reach with a touchdown pass to Daniel on the last play of the half. Oxford would go on to play its most solid game of the season. Daniel scored twice more, while Jane threw another touchdown to Mike to make it 41-7. Ash, Jenny, Michelle all made big plays on offense. Mike had two interceptions from the middle linebacker spot, and Jane finished the game with a pick of her own.

The moral of the story: the Commas do not quit.

So now, it's a brand new season. And in honor of Will's great catch, and Jane's lefty quarterbacking, I thought this Inspirational Football Clip of the Week was fitting. I mean, seriously, can you believe that catch? Have you fought that hard for a pass before? Have you fought that hard for anything in your life? Huh, you little punk? Answer me!

Okay, okay, I'm calm. Here are the highlights (credit Kevin, who was nursing a badly sprained ankle):

Ash on the power dive.



Will gets the Commas on the board with the catch of the year. Even the ref was praising it ("The dead ball!")



Ash follows up with a conversion.



Jane gets a quick pass over the middle.



Jenny catches one in traffic.



Kevin calls for a booth review on a catch by Jane.



Mike catches a floater in the corner for a touchdown; Will tries for the conversion, but the throw is too high.



Oxford follows up a perfectly executed screen pass on 4th and 1 with a dumb interception. The fans began calling for Tebow for the rest of the game.



Jane plays textbook defense.



Will plays even textbooker defense.



Jane throws a bomb to Daniel on the last play of the half. Daniel then scores the conversion, making it 20-7 Oxford.



Chel catches one, takes a hit, looks really grumpy. "When does softball start?" she wonders.



Mike catches another clutch first down, then Jane gets a quick pass. After that, we have a teachable moment. Kids: never, ever run to your left and then try to throw deep to your right. Just don't do it. Can you remember that, stupid?

Commas End Losing Streak, Stay Alive in Playoff Hunt

The shorthanded Commas could have taken it easy this week and dropped out of the playoff race, but like a group of drama queens, they decided to make the season a little more complicated by beating one of the top teams the in the league. That team was the unironically named Closers (I always get nervous playing a team whose name is not a double entendre). Like so many games this year, it turned into a defensive slugfest; the weather was so cold that, at one point, I considered duct-taping broken glass to my knuckles, Liam Neeson-style. But, unlike the other games, the Commas went through the trouble of taking an early lead when Will scored on a deep throw to the corner. Jon followed up with a touchdown of his own, making it 12-0 at halftime. Yes, you read that right: we actually scored more than one touchdown this week. The defense held in the second half, thanks to timely interceptions by Jenny and mercenary Max (who had three). Another mercenary, Jessica, had a solid game at quarterback (she should have had a touchdown, but was robbed by a close call on the goal line. Later, Will had an interception and returned it all the way to Closers' ten yard line. On the very next play, he iced the game with another score. The Closers made it into the endzone on the last play, but the final score was in Oxford's favor, 20-6. To stay alive, the Commas will have to win again in Game 6.

If that does not excite you, then watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And if that doesn't excite you, you need to see a therapist.

The Playoffs Begin Now! (...Because We're 1-3.)

Well, this one was especially tough. Oxford was hoping to finally break out of its scoring funk against the winless team known as Potentiall Offensive, but it became clear very early that this would be another low-scoring defensive battle (not as bad as soccer, but close). After falling behind, Oxford tied the game at 6 when Will caught a short touchdown pass in the corner of the end zone. Jane chipped in throughout the day with several big catches as well. But the Potentially Offensives (POs? I don't know) broke the game open with a late interception return for a score, putting the Commas in a big hole. Oxford could only watch as the clock ran down, and even a late scoring drive that was only for pride fell short at the end. Final score: PO 20, Oxford 6. Luckily, Gisele kept her stupid mouth shut after this one.

So, the very simple plan is to win from here on. Oh, and to keep drinking at that German beer house conveniently located near Oxford Commas Stadium (see the "highlights" below). Which brings us to the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. To stay alive, we'll have to do everything this guy did, even though it's all completely illegal in our two-touch league.





Dan and Kevin discuss the complexity of the West Coast offense, and whether Green Bay's version of it in the late 1990s was a "true" iteration, or a mere bastardization of the designers' original intent.





Jane and Leia agree that a zone defense works better than man-to-man against a screen pass (except, of course, in third-and-long situations, in which case you might as well go man-to-man in order to exploit the weak-side fullback, who most likely will be chip-blocking the free safety [duh]):