Commas Wring Out the ShamWows

For those of you who don't know, this is a ShamWow. It can also be seen here.

The Commas faced a spirited team thrown together by the whims of the Zog Gods. For once, Oxford was the experienced unit, driving downfield with early scores by Matt and Brian (actually, he had two by halftime, three total, along with a conversion). There was a brief scare when the ShamWows returned an interception to make the game 12-6. But the Commas new zone defense, installed by Daniel, held the ShamWows to zero points. They even managed to get a touchdown themselves when Daniel picked off a short pass and ran it in. The offense was able to take its time, scoring multiple TDs to give the team a nice, comfortable lead. As the highlights below demonstrate, everyone pitched in on both sides of the ball. I would call this "classic Commas football" if it were not merely the ninth or tenth game ever. Final score: 38-6. And Oxford enters the Super Bowl bye week above .500.

To celebrate, the Commas braved the elements with a barbecue in an actual backyard. You know, a backyard--a small plot of grass behind a house. There was drinking afoot. Life was declared to be good.

And now for the highlights (there are a ton, thanks to Gina):

Kari makes the quick catch and stays on her feet.

Jon catches a pass out of the backfield.

A deep pass is nearly intercepted.

Dayne slips one tackle to gain some extra yardage.

Alex pulls it in for a first down.

Matt catches a short pass over the middle...

...and then he follows up with a touchdown from Dayne.

A handoff to Daniel comes up short.

Daniel intercepts a pass and then pays for it with a fat lip.

Dayne drives the Commas closer to the goal line.

Alex makes the catch, but lands out of bounds.

Under pressure, Dayne delivers a touchdown to Brian. No, she was not tagged before she threw the ball. I don't care if you put it in slow motion. Look, stop arguing with me.

Daniel earns fifty push-ups with this one.

The ShamWows capitalize with an interception returned for a touchdown.

A pass to Michelle sails wide.

Alex and the defender bat the ball into the air, but Brian is there to save the day.

Dayne makes the catch, but doesn't quite make it to the endzone.

The ShamWows drive downfield.

The Commas defend against a deep throw.

Halftime adjustments.

The ShamWows sniff out the trick play.

Ash makes the catch.

Brian runs the wrong route. Robert is heard saying, "Brian, you're supposed to be the fullback." Oh, yeah--he scored.

Daniel gets up high to score the conversion.

Brian bobbles a hard pass, but holds on for the reception.

A softer pass for Brian's delicate hands.

Dayne to Alex. Look, he can play football in his jeans if he wants to, okay? He's from California--give him a break.

A pass to Ash in the endzone is too high. If she had been in heels, she would have caught it.

Daniel applies Super Glue to his hands at halftime, with positive results.

The ShamWows QB eludes the Commas defense.

A throw to Elyse sails too high, and right into the hands of a ShamWows linebacker.

Kari and Michelle hunt down the ShamWows QB.

The ShamWows attempt a handoff.



Daniel, did you catch this? I can't tell. If you did, it was because it was such a great throw, right?



One of the weirdest non-calls of the year: the safety knocks Jon to the ground and intercepts the deep pass. Jon would have his revenge by picking off the ball on the very next play.



Daniel's Super Glue wears off, but he still makes the catch.



Matt makes the tough catch in traffic.



A floater to Alex is picked off. Wow, Gina, I'm really glad you were there to get every interception on video. Good times.



The zone defense clamps down.



Jon dives in front of a pass to prevent a touchdown.



Matt swats it to the ground.



Kari, Elyse, and Brian force the ShamWows QB to slide to nowhere.




Post-game handshake.



Brian gets himself suspended from the team for sexual harassment.



The post-game pep talk involves directions to Pathmark.



According to tradition, the game is followed by a dramatic reading of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".



If you stand close enough to the grill to singe your clothes, you hardly notice that it's twenty-six degrees out.



The intervention.



One more highlight:

Commas Win Streak Ends at One

The upstart Commas fell to earth with a thud on Sunday, losing to Hot Route 44-8 (I think). Unable to break through the stifling zone defense, Oxford tried to go over it with some deep passes. But they spent the entire first half frustrated, unable to even get close to Hot Route's endzone. Still, the Commas defense kept the game competitive, and the team went into halftime down 14-0. Interceptions by Iain and Jestin (another mercenary) in the endzone saved the Commas from total annihilation.

But this only seemed to anger the Hot Route people, because they came out with their guns blazing in the second half. The only response the Commas could muster, in between many dumb interceptions, was a long touchdown pass to Daniel. Before they knew what hit them, the Commas were down by more points than they could count. Oxford did achieve a brief highlight with an interception return on a two point conversion, but the game was out of reach by a longshot by then.

And, in a special edition of "This Week in Douchebag History", Hot Route called a timeout with two seconds left in an attempt to pad their 30+ point lead. When asked why, the QB responded, "You pay to play", which I suppose means that rhyming makes up for anything. You see, folks, this is what happens when you can't get laid.

(Okay, they weren't all bad--some of them played a pickup game with us afterward.)

The Commas retreated to the warmth of the Black Sheep tavern to watch another band of heroes fall in battle. Oh, well--at least Obama is the President now.

Enjoy the few highlights that we have. Next week, win or lose, the Commas hold a barbecue feast in Daniel's backyard(!) in defiance of the miserable weather.

The Commas defense tries to stop a touchdown.

Dayne drops back and throws a touchdown.

(Oh, did that video end before the touchdown was played? Hmmm. How unfortunate. I assure you we scored.)

Brian catches a quick pass over the middle.

I've watched this next video about six hundred times, and it keeps getting better.

In other news, members of the Commas coaching staff had some emotional statements following the game. Meanwhile, Oxford QB Jim Everett did not react well to criticism from the media. Could be long season, so thank god for bbq.

COMMAS WIN!

The curse is over. Here is how it happened.

The Commas entered the 2009 season with a few questions. Chief among them was, "Winter football? Are you f--king serious? It's cold out there!" But, thanks to arm-twisting, peer pressure, office politics, guilt trips, and the unrelenting scrutiny of a mass email, the Commas decided to suit up for Winter '09.

Their first opponent was Heisman and Women, a team new to ZogLand. The Commas, grizzled veterans of the so-called "casual" league, looked upon the Heismans and caught a glimpse of their own shattered innocence.

The Commas started the game with a drive that went deep into Heisman territory before a dumb interception turned the ball over. Oxford got it back thanks to another pick, and eventually scored on a deep strike to the rookie, Alex, in the right corner of the end zone. Throughout the half, the defense held the Heismans thanks to some tight coverage and another pick by Matt. Later, the Commas were able to connect on a short touchdown to "The Mercenary", Dan Gonz. (There may have been a slight push-off by Dan to get open, but you can't prove anything.) As the half ended, the Heismans tried to bomb their way into the endzone, but time expired with Oxford holding its first halftime lead in franchise history, 12-0.

Despite the good start, the Commas could not find a way to score for most of the second half. Their best chance was a fade route to Daniel in the back of the endzone, but the referees called it out of bounds after a long conference. (Imagine me pretending to cough while actually saying the word "Bullshit".) Then, the Heismans started a clock-eating drive that came close to scoring before Daniel, making up for an earlier drop, stepped in front of a pass and took it in for the touchdown, giving the Commas a comfortable lead at 18-0. The Heismans kept fighting, adding a touchdown of their own, but Oxford was able to score on a short route to Jon and deep strike to Daniel to put the game out of reach, 30-6.

It was by far the best effort ever by the Commas, who intercepted five passes in all. (Daniel and Alex added two more before the game was finished.) Meanwhile, every receiver had at least two receptions, despite the numbingly cold weather. Also, thanks to the rules of ZogLand, Dayne, Ash, and Kari had to play without a break as if it were 70 degrees out. (Before the Recession was made official, that meant that we owed them drinks. Now they just get a mention on the blog.)

Following the game, the Commas tried to talk the Heismans out of going to the douchebag Zog bar, but, since they seemed like nice people, the Heismans went anyway. We tried. At the unofficial Oxford bar, the Commas had to sit in silence while the New York fans watched their beloved Giants fall to a certain underdog team that shall remain nameless for fear of jinxing them. It was hard to feel sorry for the Giants fans since they were sitting inside, all warm and cozy, while some people were out braving the elements.

Before we get to the highlight reel, please keep in mind that we need some more ideas for goal-line plays. 0-5 on the conversions? That's not Commas football! Of course, that's because we almost never score five touchdowns in one game. Whatever. Suggestions are welcome.

Thanks go to Gina for filming the following clips:

A catch by Dayne, a long bomb to Iain, and then a TD grab by Alex.



Daniel pressures the quarterback, drawing the blocking penalty. Yes, we play in a league that does not allow blocking. Shut up.




Heisman's QB rushes on fourth down, but Matt catches her before she reaches the first down marker.




The Commas work the short passes, with completions to Kari and Daniel.




Robert escapes the rush and dumps the ball to Dayne, who is then gently tackled by the defense.




The Commas march downfield. Daniel catches a short pass, then Dayne hits Iain over the middle. Finally, Kari catches a ball before dropping to the ground in the fetal position. Remember kids: protect the ball!




The ball bounces out of the hands of Alex, Iain, and Ashley.





A pass goes awry. Somehow, Robert misses a wide-open Iain, despite the Scotsman's blazing yellow shirt.




Halftime conference: a convergence of great minds.

Free agent acquisition Daniel saves the day on a prancing interception return for a touchdown. Now his agent is asking for a new contract, a bigger locker, and the option of skipping practice to work on his music career. Un-friggin-believable.

A two-point conversion fails when a pass to Jon is batted away. Robert's brilliant assessment: "Conversions are hard. If we had two chances at the conversions, then..."

On the sidelines, the Commas react to Alex's interception late in the game.

And finally, Ahnold reminds us all why we should bundle up this winter here.