Oxford Commas

The Playoffs Begin Now! (...Because We're 1-3.)

2012-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

Well, this one was especially tough. Oxford was hoping to finally break out of its scoring funk against the winless team known as Potentiall Offensive, but it became clear very early that this would be another low-scoring defensive battle (not as bad as soccer, but close). After falling behind, Oxford tied the game at 6 when Will caught a short touchdown pass in the corner of the end zone. Jane chipped in throughout the day with several big catches as well. But the Potentially Offensives (POs? I don't know) broke the game open with a late interception return for a score, putting the Commas in a big hole. Oxford could only watch as the clock ran down, and even a late scoring drive that was only for pride fell short at the end. Final score: PO 20, Oxford 6. Luckily, Gisele kept her stupid mouth shut after this one.

So, the very simple plan is to win from here on. Oh, and to keep drinking at that German beer house conveniently located near Oxford Commas Stadium (see the "highlights" below). Which brings us to the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. To stay alive, we'll have to do everything this guy did, even though it's all completely illegal in our two-touch league.

Dan and Kevin discuss the complexity of the West Coast offense, and whether Green Bay's version of it in the late 1990s was a "true" iteration, or a mere bastardization of the designers' original intent.

Jane and Leia agree that a zone defense works better than man-to-man against a screen pass (except, of course, in third-and-long situations, in which case you might as well go man-to-man in order to exploit the weak-side fullback, who most likely will be chip-blocking the free safety [duh]):

Oxford Joins the NFC East

2012-01-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

The cold weather finally caught up with the Commas in weeks 2 and 3, making points hard to come by in two uncharacteristic defensive showdowns. In Week 2, Oxford faced the Honey Badgers once again. That would be the team that blew out the Commas 52-18 in their last meeting. But the Commas defense came up huge this time. After Iain scored a touchdown, Oxford kept the game at manageable 12-6 at the half. In the second period, the Badgers got into the end zone only once more to make it 19-6. But that, unfortunately, is where the score remained for the rest of the day. Despite some big catches by Mike and Jane, a handful of offensive drives stalled near the Badgers goal line; Oxford was able to move the ball, but couldn't "get it in," as Snooki so often says. What?

A week later, Oxford faced a team made up of school teachers who chose the hilarious and ominous name New Jack City, which took me back to '91, back when Randall Cunningham was still the Eagles' QB, and I had an amazing hi-top fade haircut. Once again, the Commas could move the ball, but couldn't seal the deal, leaving it up to the defense to keep them alive. Luckily, the defense was up to the task: Ash and Kevin each had an interception, Will had two. Jon added a couple of sacks to his running tally. Meanwhile, on offense, Oxford finally got on the board when Gonzo broke through the defense and scored on a long touchdown bomb. Later, Mercenary Michelle nearly scored on a big catch at the goal line, but she was ruled an inch or two short. With time running out, and Oxford down 20-6, the Commas cut into the lead when Gonzo scored in the corner of the end zone. But the clock was not on their side; New Jack City was able to run out the remaining time, given them the 20-12 win.

Sigh. Two great defensive stands, reminiscent of the classic cold weather NFC East showdowns, and the Commas are still 1-2. In order to get back on track, I hereby order all of our players (and all three of our fans) to watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. This one, for real, may be my favorite play of all time.

And here the the "highlights":

This is easily the worst pregame interview of all time.

Kevin and Will make the most of the winter wonderland.

Winter Commas Hang On to Start Season 1-0

2012-01-10T20:28:00.000-08:00

The question on everyone's mind for the first game of winter football was, "How did I get talked into this?" Needless to say, it was a bit cold on Sunday, making it perfect football weather for the reconstituted Winter Commas.

And I will blame the "reconstituting" for what happened on the very first play, when the awesomely named Tebowners scored on a long pass to make it 6-0. A few minutes later, they scored again, putting Oxford in a deep hole. But the Commas slowly dug their way out, thanks to a stout defense led by Dan "I'm Your Best Defensive Player" Gonzo. Both Jane and Jenny snagged interceptions in the first half. Later, Jon made a big play to give Oxford their first first down of the game (shut up). A few plays after that, Dan scored by grabbing a tipped pass from Jane.

In the second half, after a really long pass to Iain, Oxford got another touchdown on a tipped pass thrown by Jane; this time, it was the newcomer Leia who made the heads-up play, while Jane acted as if she threw it that way on purpose. This made the score 19-18 Tebowners, and Oxford briefly took the lead when Kevin grabbed the two-point conversion. It would not last long; the Tebowners went up 25-20 with another score, but the Commas answered when Mike made a diving catch in the end zone. Will scored the conversion, making it 27-25 Oxford. With a minute left, the Commas tried to run out the clock, but it didn't quite work out as planned. So the Tebowners got the ball with a few seconds left, and attempted a Hail Mary pass; Kevin and Will knocked it to the ground, and Oxford sneaked away with the comeback win. With their strong showing, the rookies avoided another round of brutal hazing.

Unless he wins this weekend, I promise that this will be the only Inspirational Football Clip of the Week to feature Tim Tebow.

Pigs Fly! Hell Freezes Over! The Commas Go to the Championship!

2011-11-25T17:14:00.001-08:00

The Commas decided to make the most of their first trip to the playoffs, steamrolling through two rounds of the three-game "Football Armageddon" to come within a few yards of beating the league's best team. It was an exhausting, inspiring day. Here are the details.

In the quarterfinals, Oxford played Andrew Gish's Robot Army, a team that was shorthanded when the Commas played them in the regular season. This time, the very game Robots--they of of the awesome sleeveless uniforms--put up a serious fight, and it took a pair of touchdowns by Taylor to keep them at bay in the first half. After the intermission, the Robots managed to pick off a pass and take out Jessica on a brutal hit (it was an accident). But the Commas maintained a two-touchdown lead throughout, eventually extending it to three scores. We don't have the official score, but it was around 30-14. With that efficient win, Oxford accomplished what it had set out to do.

The next game, held immediately afterward against #1 seed Bings, looked like it was going to be a bloodbath. Oxford got a break early when Jane picked off a pass on Bings' one-yard line. But it took eight rough plays for the Commas to finally score on an out pattern to Max. The Bings team--well rested after a bye--were taking no prisoners. Taylor left the game with a gashed leg, Jon sat with an injury, and Dave had to fight off a few errant elbows. But Oxford stuck to the game plan and just kept scoring, holding on to an 18-13 lead at halftime thanks to a deep touchdown reception for Michelle. After that, Oxford kept finding ways to get into the end zone. Max, Dave, Taylor, and Brian scored, with Ash adding a conversion somewhere in there, and Elyse providing a few big catches down the stretch. There was even a TD on a quarterback sneak for crying out loud. The defense, led by the Mad Dog Gonzo, kept Bings quiet for the rest of the game. Final score: 51-19. Unbelievable.

So, uh, that meant that Oxford had completed the improbable upset, and would be in the championship against Jerkstore. Yes, that Jerkstore, who had beaten the Honey Badgers in the previous round. Wait, what? That wasn't part of the script! The Commas were supposed to be at the bar by then! To quote Darth Vader: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

Not content with simply showing up, Oxford got off to a quick start thanks to a pass interference call on Taylor, which led to the Commas taking an early lead of 6-0. Jerkstore responded with a touchdown, then took advantage when Oxford failed to convert on fourth down deep in its own territory. The half ended with Jerkstore scoring again on a Hail Mary pass, leaving Oxford behind by 14. But the Commas did not quit. Dave and Taylor scored quick touchdowns, while Max, playing one of the best games in Commas history, muscled the ball away from Jerkstore over and over again. (The quote of the day, btw, was when I suggested that we punt, only to have Max scream, "No! We're going for it!" He then caught the ball for a first down.) Later, Jessica hit Brian over the middle to make it 34-26. The defense held on the next series, giving the Commas two minutes to tie the game. With a few quick passes to Jessica and Taylor, they made it to the five yard line with only seconds left. On the last play, a throw to Brian in the corner fell short, giving Jerkstore the victory. It was the end of a long, crazy ride. The Commas were completely spent, but satisfied with how far they had come. Jesus, I'm tired just writing this.

Well, I couldn't be prouder of our team. Thanks to everyone for making it a great season. More highlights to come this winter.

I couldn't resist using this as the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. And, in case you ever feel like quitting at anything, or believing the odds, please watch this as well. There will be a quiz on the first day of winter league.

Highlights (thanks, Natalie):

In quarterfinals, the Commas complete the two-minute drill; despite Taylor's great play, the score is nullified because the refs say he stepped out of bounds:

Another long drive, but it ends with an interception:

In the championship game, Taylor scores a touchdown, and Max gets the conversion on a shovel pass.

A catch by Ash, followed by an amazing grab by Max on a pass intended for Jon:

Jessica zips through the defense:

Brian gets a shovel pass. Then Taylor tries to hang on to the ball in heavy traffic:

Jessica throws a touchdown to Brian:

Last play of the game: a pass to Brian falls short, giving Jerkstore the trophy:

Commas Complete First Winning Season

2011-11-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

Before heading to the playoffs, Oxford had to exorcise the demons from last year's horrific loss to Jerkstore. Some of the Commas--I won't name names--are still in therapy following the 48-0 drubbing in 2010.

This time around, Oxford got off to a slow start thanks to some unfortunate turnovers, which, by the way, are never, ever, the quarterback's fault. But, at the end of the half, Oxford got on the board with a deep throw to Taylor, making the score 25-6. In the second half, Oxford continued to chip away at the lead, thanks to another touchdown for Taylor, followed by a circus-catch score for Elyse. The defense tried to hold on, but Jerkstore managed to get into the end zone again. A late touchdown by Brian was not enough, and Jerkstore was able to get the ball back and wind down the clock. Final score: Jerkstore 38, Oxford 24. But it's worth noting that Oxford outscored Jerkstore in the half, which kind of reminds me of this. ("You cut him! You hurt him! He's not a machine! He's a man!")

And if that doesn't get your blood boiling for the playoffs, here is your Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, one of the greatest plays of all time.

No highlights this week, but our intrepid fans Jessie and Rosie brought along Oxford Commas pennants. They'll soon be hearing from our lawyers regarding copyright infringement; we're just like the NFL that way.

Jenny and Jessie wave the Oxford flag.

Commas Win Big, Clinch Playoff Spot (Playoffs!?)

2011-11-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

There was a time, in the dark days of 2008, when any discussion of the Commas making the playoffs provoked this kind of response:

But on Sunday, the Commas finally answered the call, delivering their most solid performance of the season in a 24-0 shutout of the Multiple Scoregasms, aka the people who stole your idea for a funny team name. Brian scored all four touchdowns (a team record?), at one point taking a quick handoff and sneaking around the entire Scoregasms defense for six. Dan had an interception after grabbing a pass that Matt deflected, which was nice, because we never throw to him on offense. Jon had another fine defensive performance, with some help from Elyse, Kari, Chel, and Ash. Jane and Jessica contributed some big plays on offense.

So, the season will live on for one more week, when Zog hosts what can only be described as Football Armageddon: a marathon playoff in which the champion must win three games back-to-back-to-back. Whoever came up with this system is either insane...or a genius.

Since we had some oddly cold weather for this game, with snow in the end zones, here is an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week from the 51st state. The snow is so pretty!

And, here are the Commas wrapping up the win; a smug Jessica is pleased.

The Problem with Badgers

2011-10-31T20:41:00.000-07:00

How do you know when you've had a bad day as a quarterback? That's easy: when your best play is chasing down the guy who just intercepted you.

Yep, it was one of those days, when many, many things went wrong. The Commas were in a rematch with the Honey Badgers, and they were feeling good after temporarily adopting a new fight song just for the occasion. But Oxford little reason to scream the chorus at our opponents, especially when they found themselves down 27-6 at halftime. Oxford put together two good scoring drives thanks to big catches by Max and Brian. Dave contributed an interception on defense, and Jessica had another solid game as signal-caller. And then...hey wait, the final score was 52-18? Where was I? How did that happen? Who am I? Why am I here? That's pretty much how Oxford felt all day.

Okay, this will make you feel better: an Inspirational Football Clip of the Week Narrated by Lando Calrissian!

Jane explains the Commas' woes:

Commas Take a Hit, Cruise to 3-1

2011-10-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

Game 3 of the 2011 season will go down as one of the wildest games in the history of Oxford. The opponent this week was the Tribeca Tight Ends, an 0-2 team desperate for a win. They showed it by going up 20-6 early, but the shorthanded Commas shrugged it off and continued to chip away with scores to Jessica and Michelle, and a couple of long plays by Iain. Later, Oxford managed to score a safety by sacking the QB in the end zone, and followed it up with a deep touchdown to Jane, her second of the day.

And then things got a little wacky. There were more scores, some shoving and name-calling, a few questionable calls, a few dirty plays, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. And then, with a minute to go, Oxford scored what appeared to be the winning touchdown when Brian beat the safeties for a long pass. With Oxford up 33-27, Tribeca slowly worked the ball down the field during a minute that seemed to last an hour. With no time left on the clock, they scored, then proceeded to complete the conversion. It was total heartbreak for the Commas after a furious comeback as they lost 34-33.

Game 4 was against the shorthanded Andrew Gish's Robot Army, who, in my mind, deserve the award for coolest uniform (they had robot heads on them!). Oxford was playing with its full roster this time, and jumped out to an insurmountable lead of 32-0 by the intermission, thanks to touchdowns by Ashley, Max, Taylor, and Iain. Jane also contributed an interception early in the game. In the second half, the plucky Robots put 18 quick points on the board, but Oxford responded with a touchdown to Dave and, on the game's final play, a "pick six" for Taylor. Oxford cruised, 52-18.

And, with that, the Commas tied their record for most wins in a season. Yes, it's only three. Shut up and just watch the Inspirational Football Clip of the Year (this one is for Dan).

Taylor's pick six against the Robot Army:

Oxford Wins, 45-26.

2011-09-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

Oxford faced a team that still did not have a name as of this writing, which makes a blog post difficult to put together. Calling them by their Zog code name of ZKSTB-5 or whatever just doesn't have the same punch. Oh, well--here goes.

Led by Fantasy Football star Taylor, the Commas built what appeared to be a safe lead by halftime. Jon B. picked off a pass and scored both a touchdown and a conversion. But after halftime, the defense allowed the team with the alien name back in the game; suddenly, it was 26-20. Brian whipped the defense back into shape while hypnotizing them with his flowing locks. The team responded with two big interceptions, putting up 19 points in less than three minutes. It was an offensive burst that culminated in a score from J.C. to Taylor, followed by a conversion for birthday girl Ash. (I should mention that this was the second week in a row that both quarterbacks threw touchdowns. Jane threw and caught one the week before--sorry for not putting that in the blog, Ms. B.!) Later, Chel had several receptions to keep the no-names' defense on the field. As a result, Oxford was able to run out the clock, ending the game at 45-26.

So, that makes us 2-0. At the request of Taylor, who scored more often than I could count, here is the Inspirational Clip of the Week (the full version is off to the right).

All of the highlights are from the bar this week.

The Commas show how they try to scare people.

Jon gets kicked off the team for claiming that the Commas wear "Honolulu blue."

How not to give a postgame speech. (This is actually from last week. Again, thanks, Taylor. Jackass.)

We're Back. You're Welcome.

2011-09-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, you can end your hunger strike. The union was able to work out an equitable deal with the league, thereby saving the Zog season. And so, the intrepid Oxford Commas set off on their fifth season.

In the preseason game against the Honey Badgers (yeah, they're named after this), Oxford got off to a shaky start until Matt scored a touchdown to make it 20-6 at the half. The Commas offense finally got moving in the second period, when Dave managed to score three times. Meanwhile, the defense, led by Jon and Dan, forced a turnover and a safety. Oxford would eventually lose 38-29, but there were plenty of bright spots, namely some big catches by Ash and the contributions of rookies Jess (J.C.) and Jenny (J.D.).

In week 1 against a team called Go Deep (which I'm told is not a double entendre), Oxford moved the ball early and often, jumping out to an early lead thanks to touchdowns from Taylor and Max. Jane contributed as a backup QB, both scoring and throwing for scores before the day was over. Dave, Iain, and Brian pitched in with interceptions, Kari and Michelle make a couple of big defensive stops, and, for the second week in a row, everyone on the team had at least one reception. That's how effing dangerous we are, people. The Commas won handily 38-8, after which some Marines who fly the President saluted them for their bravery. No, really, I'm serious.

In honor of our Michigan players who have had a couple of good games (Kari, Dave, and Jon), and to support their team Detroit which is somehow 2-0 as of this writing, I'm posting this Inspirational Clip of the Week.

Enjoy our highlights:

The Honey Badgers score, despite J.D. taking one for the team.

Taylor nearly kills Max on the final play against Go Deep. Gonzo celebrates.

The Prodigal Footage Returns!

2011-02-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

I had assumed that this footage was in someone else's possession until Taylor reminded me that Morgan filmed everything on MY camera instead of hers. So, in commemoration of Super Bowl Sunday, here is the footage from our last game.

First, a word about the team we were playing. Not only did they call themselves the Swedish Meatballs, but they also had a guy on their team sporting a half-beard, i.e. a beard covering only half of his face. So I thought we were going to roll right over them. But they did not make it easy in the first half. Dave managed to score an early touchdown, but was almost knocked out of the game due to an illegal move that could have threatened future little Daves (see video below). By halftime, we were only up 12-0; that's two scores, for you soccer fans.

But in the second half, we could do no wrong. Every pass was caught, every play worked out. The skies opened up. We each had the strength of ten men. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria! When it was over, Oxford had scored an additional 36 unanswered points, with touchdowns for Jon, Brian, Elyse, Max, and Michelle. Kari, Jon, and Dave stepped in at quarterback to produce a couple of scoring drives. It was the most ruthlessly efficient performance that allowed the Commas to wrap up the season at 3-4.

So, we try again next season for the playoffs. With that in mind, here is the last Inspirational Football Clip of the year. FYI, training camp begins in July, and will be held at a remote island off the coast of Florida so that we can keep our focus. Be prepared to say goodbye to your wives and your sweethearts for about a month while we get back into football shape.

Here are the highlights:

Max and Dave ride a player out of bounds, prompting debate from everyone on the field and some yokels on the sidelines.

Dave and Elyse prevent a deep pass.

Matt catches a pass on the fullback play.

After his score, Dave discusses the sacrifice he made for the good of the team.

Max catches a pass over the middle.

Jon fakes out his defender and scores.

Taylor steals the ball back. Some great coaching from the sidelines: "AARGH! Get dat ball!"

Brian scores on a conversion.

Brian scoops up the ball on a rollout play.

Elyse rescues a broken play with a first down catch.

Brian scores after screaming for the ball like a little baby. Then he gets assaulted by the cameraman.

With Dave at QB, Ash makes the catch, takes the hit.

Elyse scores on a deep throw from Dave.

A Brutal Stretch Completed

2010-11-02T18:47:00.000-07:00

Oxford emerged from the bye week at 2-2, hoping for a shot at the playoffs. But standing in their way were two teams that also needed wins. Yes, there are two posts blurred into one here. You get what you pay for.

The first team on the schedule called itself Cromartie's Kids, named after this unfortunate example of human hyper-procreation. I doubt they'll be getting child support. Anyway, Cromartie's Kids were sporting a spotless record, and they were not about to relinquish it. Oxford fell behind early, and could not get into the end zone until a second half touchdown by Brian. Later, Iain scored his first of the year on a broken play that was virtually identical to this play from last year. But by then--stop me if you've heard this before--it was too late. Cromartie's illegitmates walked off with the 44-19 victory. Oxford walked off with this:

The following week, the Commas faced their old nemesis Hot Little Hands. Of course, the word "nemesis" is a little strong, for it suggests that we've actually beaten them before this game. We haven't, and we needed to in order to stay alive. Unfortunately, HLH managed to jump out to a 20-0 lead by halftime. Oxford kept it close with some long drives and an interception by Brian, but a touchdown by HLH to end that half really drove a stake in their hearts. After the break, Brian scored two touchdowns, while Max, David, and Jon added some big catches. Michelle caught a ball that was mere inches out of the end zone, nullifying a score that would have put the Commas within striking distance. Despite a valiant effort by the defense to hold HLH to 8 points in the second period, Oxford still fell 28-12.

And so, once again, they will be playing for pride in Game 7. Luckily, team MVP Jon hosted a rum-and-cider/pumpkin pie party afterward to make everything better. Meanwhile, HLH drank overpriced Bud Light at the Bar from Hell to "celebrate." Ha.

I'm not sure how inspirational this clip of the week of the week will be, but it is appropriate, given the tough stretch we have endured. (I'm about three steps away from being this guy.)

Thanks to Christine for the highlights from Game 6:

A short pass to Brian:

Brian with another catch. "Is he in? Is he in?" Yes.

Michelle and Max box in the receiver:

Max breaks free for the reception. The initial fuzziness is indicative of how I see the field, by the way.

I feel like Christine cleaned this up a little, but Max ended up spread-eagled, pinning the man he was defending against the wall. His explanation is that he "slipped." Okay, Max.

Michelle, Kari, Matt, and Elyse make sure that the opposing quarterback's pass sails wide. Notice Michelle's patented "flapping" motion on defense:

Jon makes a diving catch:

Jon with another:

Max gets a short completion in the fading light:

And then on this one, he dances around. I haven't been able to do this since the Clinton administration:

Brian does his Randy Moss impersonation (without the crazy crap):

Shake It Off

2010-10-13T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oxford faced one of its toughest opponents yet this week, the 3-0 Maulers. While the defense was up to the challenge, the offense still had some cobwebs to dust off. After falling behind 13-0, Oxford finally got on the board before halftime on a wild play that resulted in a touchdown for Jane. However, turnovers continued to stall promising drives in the second half, and a trick play that got bottled up in the end zone for a safety did not help matters, either. The defense, with big contributions from Jon, Brian, Gonzo, and Shawn, managed to hold off the Maulers at the one yard line three separate times. With the game still in reach, the Commas thought they scored a TD when Dave caught one over the middle; but the refs called it back, claiming that someone had tagged him. On the next play, Oxford's fearless leader channeled Rex Grossman and threw yet another bonehead interception that effectively ended the game. Dave would later score on a fade route in the corner of the end zone, but by then, it was too late. Some bright spots on offense included Max and Ashley, who recorded multiple receptions in traffic. Final score: 26-12. Oxford heads into the bye week at 2-2.

While trying to shake it off, have a look at this week's Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. (Start watching around 2:45 for the good stuff; sorry if I posted this one before, but I love it.)

Commas Roll, 52-14

2010-10-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Oxford faced a rematch with the newly named Girlz II Men, a team they played in the soggy preseason game. Despite being undermanned, G2M kept the game close with two early scores, one of which came on a long touchdown play that caught the Commas' defense off guard. Oxford's offense didn't fare much better, surrendering two turnovers. But later, two methodical drives ended in touchdowns, the second of which included a screen pass to Max followed by Taylor toeing the line for the conversion. Leading 16-14, the Commas went back on defense with less than a minute to go. G2M pushed their luck and sent a deep pass down the sideline that Max intercepted at midfield. On the next play, with the clock running to zero, Max scored again. What followed was a blizzard of points for the Commas. On the first play of the half, Taylor caught a touchdown on yet another amazing play designed by Iain--he tells me that he drew these up during his youth in Scotland, but I think he's lying. Max would go on to score three more times with increasingly acrobatic catches, while Gonzo would add three conversion receptions. Ash, Elyse, and Kari played every snap, each having a multiple-reception performance. By the time the smoke had cleared, the Commas had won 52-14.

In honor of Taylor's punt return, which I believe was the longest in the history of the team, take a look at the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week.

This week, the Commas face a 3-0 team with the alarmingly unironic nickname of the Maulers. Yikes. Stay tuned.

Here are some highlights of the defense, which regrouped after the first half to shut down G2M's attack completely:

Gonzo bats down a pass at the line of scrimmage:

The defense rattles G2M's quarterback so badly that he leaves the pocket too early, drawing a penalty flag.

Back in Business

2010-09-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

Following a brutal loss to Jerkstore in Week 1, the Commas were looking for their first official win of the season against another yet-to-be-named team (they're still called ZS-BKFB 4, but they tell us that they'll eventually be called the Killer Bees because of their yellow jerseys). Unfortunately, Oxford fell behind early thanks to two turnovers on their first three plays. They took the lead when Dave scored on a short pass, earning the first TD of the young season for Oxford. But the Bees managed to get into the end zone again, making it 14-8 at the half.

Early in the second period, Gonzo was able to pressure the Bees' quarterback into throwing a duck that Jon "The Law" B. picked off for an easy score. The Commas then went on a tear, with rookie Max making a diving fourth-down touchdown catch, following it up with a two-point conversion. But the Bees would keep the game competitive thanks to a flukey touchdown play that left everyone on the field shaking their heads.

With only a minute to go, Oxford mounted a last drive from their own five yard line. Yeah, I know the fields are only fifty-something yards in this league, but just play along. Anyway, thanks to clutch catches by Jane and Kari, the Commas were able to eat up the clock and finally score with another diving TD grab by Max. Taylor would later seal the game by intercepting the Bees' final throw. Oxford was able to hang on for its first win, 26-20.

So the Commas are now at .500 with a rematch looming against Girlz II Men, whom they beat in the preseason. Hopefully, G2M was not hustling us by only playing their scrubs.

In other news, this week's Inspirational Football Clip of the Week is dedicated to a great player who just died this week. By the end of this season, I may end up resembling this man.

Here are the highlights (thanks, Dan).

The Commas work their way down the field, despite the team's best efforts to get penalized. Jane and Max make some big catches, all leading to Dave's score.

Coach Lombardi gets angry following the third Oxford turnover of the half:

Max makes two big catches to get us into the end zone. Meanwhile, Gonzo has some kind of weird banter going on with the ref:

And then Max decides to catch a two-pointer in traffic. (This was not an easy catch, btw.):

After receiving some pressure from Gonzo, the enemy QB tosses up a Hail Mary that is gobbled up by Taylor. Despite the protests from the sideline, he does the smart thing by kneeling at the one, allowing Oxford to run out the clock to end the game. For those of you who wanted him to keep going, I have only this to say. Anyway, here's the clip:

Um...wow.

2010-09-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

The good news is that we got this one out of the way early in the season. In a disaster of train wreck proportions, the new-look Commas were unable to do anything right against a very capable Jerkstore X team. (If you're not familiar with that Seinfeld reference, this clip will bring you up to speed.) Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, the next thing we knew it was 32-0 at the half. The second half began with a promising drive for Oxford, but it ended when a defender plucked a pass out of a receiver's hands right at the one-yard line. The bloodletting did not stop there, as the Commas continued to bang their heads against a wall. Final score: 48-0. Yeah, that's a zero. Shut up.

Perhaps we should move right into the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week; this one is about plays that start out bad and end up good, as we hope will happen to the season.

We only have a handful of highlights. Here is a defensive stop by Brian:

And no game--win or lose--is complete without a grumpy Gonzo rant:

Yes, Football is Played in the Rain, Folks

2010-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Commas were all business in their preseason game against [Team to Be Named Later]. Despite a driving rain storm and some rustiness from the long off-season, Oxford jumped out to an early lead that they never relinquished, thanks to multiple touchdown performances by Brian and Gonzo (including a deep pass thrown by Jon). Shawn added a big touchdown reception of his own, along with a couple of interceptions. The defense surrendered only one score, and that was due to a phantom pass interference call after the game was out of reach for [Team to Be Named Later]. Enjoy the win, Oxford--the games count for real next week.

For our Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, I thought I would share with you a highlight of Tom Rathman, the guy for whom our bread-and-butter "fullback" play is named. I also have an uninspiring football link to share; click it if you're okay with having a part of your childhood shrivel and die inside of you.

Our lone highlight is Brian complaining about the perils of playing in the rain. Apparently, I forgot how to work my camera, too:

Onward.

Untouchables Sink Commas' Playoff Hopes

2009-11-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

The Commas entered Week 6 hanging on by a thread in the playoff hunt. Standing in their way was a new team, the Untouchables, who also needed a win to stay alive. The game lived up to the high stakes (well, as high as they can get in touch football anyway), with several lead changes, controversial calls, and a crazy finish.

Thanks to some great performances on defense, both teams found themselves shut out for most of the first half, until the Untouchables finally punched through by working their short game. Later, after another great defensive stand, the Commas got the ball back on their own one-inch line and busted out with a deep pass to Daniel. He would score on the next play, and Alex's conversion would put Oxford in the lead, 8-6. But, with seconds left in the half, the Untouchables managed to score on a deep throw to their ninja-assassin receiver. Immediately after scoring, he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The second half was more of the same, with both defenses digging in. Oxford put together a long drive that ended with a touchdown for Iain, tying the game at 14. Later, the Untouchables were robbed of not one but two touchdowns by bizarre calls from the officials. On one of those plays, the head referee, who was working another game, reversed a touchdown by claiming that the ninja-assassin had stepped out of bounds prior to catching a touchdown. The Commas could only shrug.

Oxford tried to take advantage by setting up one of their longest drives of the day, hoping to both score and eat up the clock. The drive stalled when a deep pass to Daniel missed by about a foot (he still made a great catch--take a look). The defense took the field with about twenty seconds left, trying to preserve a tie, but the Untouchables, perhaps getting some karma from the previous blown calls, were able to score with two seconds left. All Oxford could do was launch a Hail Mary, but it didn't make it. Final score: 20-14.

Despite the heart breaker, the Commas, viewing next week through the bottom of a beer glass, hoped to close out the season with three wins, their most in the league.

This week's Inspirational Clip of the Week is from a team that needed a win to get to the playoffs and miraculously got it. Even though we were so close, I'm showing it anyway. Also, in honor of our defense, I'm throwing in this one as well. (Hey, I went this long without any Eagles highlights, so give me some credit.)

Videos are below. Thanks, Gina.

Kari gets things going with a catch.

Matt keeps a drive going.

A pass into the end zone falls short. Immediately afterward, Alex shows that the off-season weight training program has gotten some serious results.

Brian gets a screen pass.

Matt with another catch.

Kari to Robert.

Still mad about this one. I thought that the correct call would be a catch and then a fumble. Instead, it takes the refs a minute to change the call from an incompletion to out-of-bounds on the quarterback.

Kari completes a pass to Brian.

Jon gives chase and the defense holds.

Following the defensive stop, the Commas throw deep from the back of their end zone and complete a pass to Daniel.

On the very next play, Daniel wins a battle of height to put the Commas on the board.

Then Alex scores on the conversion to make it 8-6 Commas.

Overcoming tight coverage by Oxford, the Untouchables retake the lead to make it 14-8.

Jon stops a touchdown at the very last second.

Alex catches a ball. Some guy on the sideline is so impressed that he faints.

Daniel gets yards after the catch.

From the sideline, Brian's mom screams, "Go Brian!" She had PB and J sandwiches waiting for him. With the crust removed, of course.

Iain keeps his cool on a busted play and scores to tie the game at 14.

The most controversial play of the season: the Untouchables try to take the lead, but a TD is nullified by the ref ON ANOTHER FIELD(!) because the receiver stepped out of bounds. The Commas plead innocence and shrug.

Another big catch for Daniel.

Alex hangs on following a big shot from the Untouchables' version of Ronnie Lott.

Another controversial call: did the receiver score, or was he "persuaded" to move out of the end zone by Daniel? I plead the Fifth.

Matt's mom informs us that her son is "on fire."

On the last big drive, Brian moves the team within striking distance of the end zone.

Unfortunately, this was as close as the Commas would come to scoring: missing by a foot on a deep pass to (and a great catch by) Daniel.

The Untouchables take the lead with a few seconds remaining.

On the last play, the Commas try a Hail Mary, but it is batted away from Brian.

Win and You're In

2009-10-31T23:04:00.000-07:00

This is not how things were planned at the beginning of the season. After their third loss in a row, the Commas now find themselves in a position in which they must win their last two games in order to qualify for the playoffs. For those of you who wanted drama, now you have it. (I didn't want drama, btw.)

About that loss: Oxford played the only unbeaten team in the division, a squad that calls itself "What!?" Things got off to a rough start as Oxford's offense was continually frustrated, unable to get into What's territory (I feel stupid writing that). Meanwhile, the bad guys were able to score three unanswered touchdowns. At the end of the half, Oxford mounted a drive that came to a halt on the one yard line, forcing them to go into the break down 18-0.

After the half, the Commas defense kept the team in the game, with two interceptions by Daniel, but the offense was undone by several uncharacteristic turnovers. A late touchdown to Elyse (her first of the season) and Gonzo were not enough to catch up. The game ended on a Hail Mary touchdown to Daniel, but the contest was already settled: 36-18.

So now, the Commas have to win against the Untouchables and the NYIT Bears in order to make it into the playoffs for the first time. This calls for the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, a play that should remind everyone to ignore the voice in their head that says, "Hey, even if we lose, it was still a good season."

Here are the clips for the week. Thanks go to Gina, as usual. Sorry if this looks like the Daniel show, but the guy had a huge game. All of the videos are here.

Matt grabs a short pass.

Daniel across the middle.

Domenic catches one off of his knee.

Ash hangs on to a hard pass.

What scores on a big play.

Commas defense takes back the ball.

Dayne completes a pass to Robert.

Jon "The Law" B. doesn't care that he's wearing glasses.

Elyse almost gets an interception. The sideline goes wild.

The Daniel show continues with a great catch.

Close-up of Iain's catch.

Dayne scrambles and throws.

Big catch for Daniel.

Behold the dumbest interception of all time. (Luckily, the other one somehow didn't make it onto YouTube. No, I did not pay Gina to do that.)

A near interception for Ash and Gonzo.

Following an interception returned for a touchdown, Alex stops the conversion attempt with an interception. A word of warning: lower your volume. Gina goes crazy.

Daniel keeps the team alive with an interception.

At last we score, on a TD for Elyse. Yes, Gina. It is sexy.

Dayne with the defensive stop.

A long scramble followed by a catch for Elyse. Yes, Dayne, you were open. But I was distracted by the girl with short-shorts chasing me around. Sorry.

Gonzo scores, even though he doesn't seem to realize it. "Uh, no, he was in," Daniel insists.

Dayne hits Iain on a deep throw.

Even though the game is out of reach, Daniel invites everyone to a "party in the end zone."

Commas Defeated by Hot Little Hands, Cold Little Feet

2009-10-20T20:08:00.002-07:00

Oxford had several obstacles to overcome before even stepping onto the field this week: miserable, unseasonable weather, a flu bug that decimated the team, and various wardrobe malfunctions (i.e. my "football" gloves are already worn down!). Oh, and they were also about to face one of the best teams in the league.

Hot Little Hands, the team with the impossibly fast quarterback, scored first, but Oxford answered with a touchdown by Kari. They would then take the lead with a difficult conversion catch by Iain. It would not last, however. When Hot Little Hands scored again, the Commas drove downfield, and for a moment it looked as if we had the makings of a shootout. But Oxford stalled on the one-yard line, and HLH continued to rack up the touchdowns. At one point, I either blacked out or curled into the fetal position and began sucking my thumb. Before the Commas knew it, they were down 28-8 at halftime. Oxford would put together a long drive for pride at the end of the game that culminated in a touchdown catch for Dayne, but the contest was over by that point. HLH won 40-14.

A few bright spots: Brian had another big game, with two interceptions. Meanwhile, Dayne almost single-handedly kept the big drive going in the second half.

So, we lick our wounds and press on. The only undefeated team in the league awaits. On that note, here is the Inspirational Football Clip of the Week, for those of you who believe in miracles.

Highlights are below:

The speedy QB for Hot Little Hands scores on a scramble.

Brian gets the interception.

Dayne keeps another drive alive.

A deep one to Jon is off-target.

Brian gets a quick pass.

Michelle catches a deep throw.

NY VaGiants Outlast Commas in Seesaw Battle

2009-10-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

The Oxford squad ran into their old foe with the dirty name again in a game that featured numerous lead changes and some crazy plays. You may recall this team from the Fall 2008 season, when the Commas pried from their star player an explanation about the origin of "VaGiants". We also played them in the preseason game this year, although we weren't sure what they were called at the time; apparently all team names go through a ZogSports censor, who must have been bribed once again.

As usual, Oxford started the game on defense, holding New York to a punt. From there, the offense was able to drive downfield and score on a wild touchdown for Alex. When New York tied the game on the next series, the Commas managed to answer with an interception by Jon followed by a deep touchdown pass to Daniel. Before the half, however, the VaGiants' star receiver (and spokesman, I guess) gave New York the lead, 15-14.

After stalled drives for both teams opened the second half, Oxford finally punched through with a fingertip touchdown catch by Michelle, giving the Commas the edge again at 20-15. There was a valiant effort by the defense, led by Brian at the safety position and bolstered by OUP mercenary Dominic. Still, the frighteningly accurate passing by the VaGiants' QB put the bad guys in the lead for good. Two last ditch efforts failed, including a desperation Hail Mary, and Oxford had its first (official) loss of the season, 29-20.

Undaunted, the Commas vowed to fight again in the playoffs. That would be--what exactly? A rubber match? That suggests we've beaten them once. "Third time's the charm"? Still doesn't work--a playoff game would in fact be the fourth meeting with the VaGiants. We promise to come up with an appropriate sports cliche when the time comes.

Now begins the toughest stretch of the season for Oxford, with games against several solid teams, including Hot Little Hands (a team we played last season) and two other top-ranked clubs. Tune in next week!

All of the videos are here. Thanks, Gina. You were especially giggly this week.

For those of you who thought you were too small to play football, please watch the Inspirational Football Clips of the week here and here.

Dayne with the catch and run:

Iain copies her.

Kari, however, decides to take a break after a tough catch.

A potential TD for Elyse is swatted away at the last second.

On a play the ref described as "pure comedy," Alex scores after a totally unnecessary scramble by Robert.

Alex follows up with the conversion. Oxford is up 8-0.

Jon gets his weekly batted pass. For every one, the United Way donates ten dollars to a hospital or something.

The defense holds. Iain shows us to always knock down the pass on fourth down, instead of going for the interception. You did mean to knock it down, right Iain?

Elyse defends a pass, and Alex comes up with the interception. Sure, he may have been on the sideline, but you're missing the point.

The VaGiants score a touchdown and then this conversion, both by the same troublesome receiver. The score is tied 8-8.

Jon gets an interception.

Oxford retakes the lead on a touchdown bomb to Daniel. They would miss the conversion, making it 14-8.

The VaGiants tie on this touchdown, and then retake the lead on the ensuing conversion, 15-14.

The half ends with a desperation pass that is intercepted by the VaGiants.

Catch and run by Daniel.

A bobbling catch by Dayne.

Iain puts the Commas within the five yard line.

Michelle scores on a fingertip catch.

A drive stalls when a pass to Gonzo is tipped and then intercepted.

"That was nice. She's on top of her game today."

VaGiants take the lead to make it 21-20.

Gonzo with the catch.

Dayne completes a pass to the "pretty boy."

The Commas desperately try to take the lead on this bomb, but it is not to be. Iain is still running laps for this one. Gina sounds like she's dying.

The VaGiants put the game out of reach with this touchdown, making it 29-20 with a minute left.

Ending things on a good note, here is a great shoestring catch by Daniel.

Commas Embark on Their First Winning Streak

2009-10-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

Oxford faced a tougher challenge in week two, playing a team called Chubbs Peterson, named after this character from the movie Happy Gilmore. Despite the funny name, Chubbs put up a fight that forced the Commas to come from behind in order to escape with a win.

Oxford opened the game with a defensive stop. When they got the ball back, they quickly scored on a touchdown to Alex. Gonzo added a conversion to make it 8-0, but Chubbs answered on the next drive, closing to within two points. The Commas then staged a long drive that stalled at the one-inch line, and Chubbs capitalized to make it 12-8 at halftime.

In the second half, Oxford's offense came to life, scoring on a running play and then on a jailbreak desperation pass to Michelle. The defense clamped down, resisting two big drives into Oxford territory, thanks especially to big plays from Daniel, Kari, Matt, and Iain (although it should be mentioned that Iain had the ball practically handed to him at one point, but politely turned it down--see the highlight below). And, as always, the opposing quarterback will have nightmares about Jon's flailing arms. On the last play of the game, Brian recorded his second interception of the day to seal the win, 22-12.

So, we have officially entered Bizarro World, with Oxford at the top of the standings and riding the first winning streak in franchise history. A lot of work went into it; this was yet another game in which the women had to play the whole contest without a breather, so hats off to Elyse, Michelle, and Kari. Also, we have gone from three plays in our playbook to five(!), which has prompted occasional expressions of bewilderment. Dare we add a sixth play? Oh, god, my head is spinning.

This time, we have two Inspirational Football Clips of the Week. The first is dedicated to our defense, who have surrendered an average of six points a game so far. The second--well, if you don't know this one, shame on you. (A quick question: What does the quarterback do WRONG in this play? A hint: it's the thing I always say NEVER to do!)

Pictures are here. All of the videos are here. Gina, we salute you.

Matt defends a pass, almost comes up with the INT.

Brian says, "I'm open deep." Fine, Brian, we'll throw it to you.

A slow week for Alex: only one TD.

Gonzo keeps his cool on a busted play and scores the conversion. Oxford is up 8-0.

Chubbs answers with a TD, but fails to score the conversion. Oxford is still up 8-6.

Iain gets a reception to start a long drive for Oxford. Daniel: "That's exactly what's supposed to happen."

A deep one to Daniel just misses.

On a crucial fourth and midfield play, Brian makes the catch to keep the drive going.

Daniel takes a shot but holds onto the ball.

Kari completes a pass, but it is an inch short.

The Commas try to repeat a play from last week. Despite making a great catch, Alex lands out of bounds, and the drive ends.

Before halftime, Chubbs takes the lead to make the score 12-8.

After turning the ball over, Oxford steals it back on an interception by Brian.

QB sneak.

Daniel bails out the Commas with a tough catch and a first down.

Kari breaks free and gets a reception.

The Commas retake the lead on a QB keeper.

Gonzo scores another conversion on a tough catch between two giants. Oxford is up 16-12.

Brian makes a big first down reception in the red zone.

A little dancing followed by a touchdown for Michelle, putting the Commas up 22-12.

Chubbs mounts another drive, but Kari swats away a potential touchdown at the last second.

Daniel hunts down the fourth down pass to stop Chubbs from scoring.

The Commas try to eat up the clock with a short pass to Michelle.

After a big catch for Chubbs, the receiver hands the ball to Iain. He politely says, "No, thank you."

Brian ices the game with his second interception.

Turning the Tables on ZogLand

2009-09-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

With the memory of many brutal defeats still fresh in their minds, the Commas opened Fall 2009 with a commanding win over one of the league's new teams, Johnny Utah's Heroes. Early in the game, Daniel scored on a routine crossing route, and Oxford never looked back. From there, the defense hassled the Heroes' quarterback into committing multiple turnovers, with pressure coming from both Jon"The Law" and Gonzo. (There were literally too many of those clips to show below.) As a result, Daniel had two interceptions, Brian had one, Kari had her first as a Comma, and Ash and Matt came really close to stealing one themselves. Oxford was well on its way to its first shutout ever.

Meanwhile, the offense scored every time they touched the ball. A possessed (and very sweaty) Alex led the way with three touchdowns and a conversion; among them was a great leaping catch at the back of the end zone. Dayne both threw a touchdown and caught a conversion, while Michelle got the first score of her Commas career.

The Heroes were a cool group of people--we hope they don't take their sweet time to win their first one like we did. As the newer teams come together, the games will get much tougher than this one.

If you're a football addict, you can watch virtually the entire game here. Photos are here. Thanks again, Gina.

Before we get to the choice highlights, have a look at The Inspirational Football Clip of the Week. There will be a quiz.

Daniel turns a quick pass into a score.

Brian catches the conversion, and his reward is a guy sitting on him.

Ash earns push-ups for herself by admitting she doesn't know a play. Meanwhile, Alex catches a screen pass.

Gonzo fights for extra yardage.

A scramble followed by Alex's first touchdown.

Daniel's first interception. Beware the flailing arms.

Get a load of this guy: Alex "intercepts" a ball intended for Ash. Even T.O. has never done that.

Then he backs into the end zone for a score.

Matt bats a pass away, but the receiver chases it down for the amazing catch.

I saw this all day long: Jon and Gonzo pursue the QB, then the linebackers (in this case Ash and Michelle) close on the ball.

Dayne catches one. Sideline gawkers agree: it's "Nice, nice."

Dayne: "Brian's open."
Robert: (trying to be cool like Captain Sully) "Hold on."

Dayne scores a conversion after Daniel's second touchdown.

Pressure from Jon leads to an interception for Brian.

Alex in your face! You could almost strip the ball from him!

Gonzo's turn to be in your face.

Michelle makes a leaping catch and holds on in traffic for the score.

Kari intercepts the ball.

Matt grabs a pass.

Dayne throws a touchdown to Alex.

Jon bats a pass away. I love this sh*t.

Kari passes to Brian. Brian says, "Thank you."

Commas Undefeated (Technically)

2009-09-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

After a long off-season filled with contract squabbles, holdouts, questionable draft picks, and a dog-fighting ring (thanks, Ashley), the Commas regrouped with big expectations for their third season. For their opening scrimmage, they were pitted against a yet-to-be named team of Zog veterans, a squad that would have slaughtered the Commas back when they were just an expansion team. But Oxford held their opponents scoreless for the first few drives, until a couple of bobble-catch TDs put them behind 12-0. Before the half, Oxford put points on the board thanks to a score by Brian. But the team in black answered, making it 18-8.

After halftime, Oxford used the Wildcat offense to put more points on the board, with Jon "The Law" B. hitting Daniel for a long touchdown bomb. The two teams traded scores, but only the Commas could convert the two-pointer, which allowed them to close within 25-22. Later, Oxford was able to force a turnover the red zone, thanks to Elyse's relentless pass rush. But then, a phantom TD on a blown call (see below) allowed the unnamed team to pull ahead for good. Oxford scored again to close the game, but things were out of reach at that point. Final: 38-31.

Still, there are high hopes for Week 1, with Oxford looking to build on its performance in the drive for the playoffs.

What's that, Mr. Fat-Ass NFL Fan? You're stressed because your team signed a dog-killer? You're concerned that your pretty boy quarterback might hurt his knee again? You're worried that a punter might hit the jumbotron at your billion-dollar stadium? Bite me. This is where the real action is.

Photos are here.

And here are the highlights. Thanks, Gina.

Alex in the flat:

Commas denied:

Big play for The Team with No Name, but Iain saves a touchdown:

The bad guys score first:

Almost to Alex:

Good catch by Brian, but he's out of bounds:

Good defense by the Commas, but the ball gets tipped right into the receiver's hands for a score. A jogger is almost killed:

Brian scores:

Daniel catches the two-pointer, cutting the lead to 12-8.

Iain hustles, and almost comes up with the INT:

Big bomb from the bad guys:

Daniel scores after signaling that he's open by yelling, "Oh my god!"

And then he scores the two-pointer again. Commas are down 25-22.

Elyse puts on the pressure, while Jon gets the steal:

Michelle tackles the opposing player, but the call is for a TD anyway.

If that play had taken place in the early 90s, it would have been included in this video:

Gonzo takes the shot, holds on to the ball:

Kari completes a long pass to Daniel:

Comma Drama in the Fight for the Playoffs

2009-05-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, I realize that posting an update for winter football in May is a bit ridiculous. My excuses for procrastinating include a severe bout of the flu (which began during the final game), eye surgery, and basic laziness.

Here is the story: The Commas were above .500 for a brief time before tough losses to The Family and Sexy Coco put them at the edge of the playoff hunt. After some fuzzy math, we realized that a win in our last game, along with a loss by another team, would actually put Oxford into the post season.

With that in mind, Oxford jumped to an early 15-0 lead over Agent Orange in the first half, thanks to touchdowns by Brian and Jon; Daniel scored on the two-point conversion. The Commas defense had the Orange quarterback flustered. He was unable to see over the Jon's long reach, and Oxford may have set a record for the most passes batted down at the line of scrimmage.

In the second half, the Commas offense stalled in the rain. Orange was able to intercept a pass and score with a replacement QB. Later, Oxford was denied at the one-yard line, preventing them from adding to their lead. With about two minutes left, Agent Orange broke through again to make the score 15-14. Then they converted a two-pointer, putting Oxford in a tough spot.

In the closing minute, the Commas rallied for a long drive that required two first down conversions in order to stay alive. But, on fourth down, and with no time left, Agent Orange picked off a pass to seal the win.

As it turned out, the Commas would have been out of luck, anyway. The team that we needed to lose was facing the Heismen, a friendly but winless squad that showed up with only six players. I haven't checked the website, but I'm assuming that the game did not end well for them.

So, the season came to an end sooner than we wanted. I would like to thank everyone for braving the elements, hustling, having a sense of humor, drinking, bringing friends, organizing events around the league (like barbecues and Super Bowl parties), and drinking. Oh, did I say that already? Anyway, I would take an illegal pick for any of you.

Here are the highlights:

Brian scores the first touchdown.

Dayne completes a pass to Brian.

A fake handoff to Daniel almost makes it into the endzone.

Jon with the TD catch--or is he sliding into home?

Dayne catches a pass over the middle.

A pass to Alex barely misses.

Dayne throws to Robert, who is stopped just before the goal line.

Agent Orange picks off a deep throw to Daniel.

The final drive begins, but a deep pass to Brian falls short.

Daniel drives deep into Orange territory.

A fade pattern to Daniel almost scores the winning touchdown.

Dayne keeps the Commas alive with a short completion.

On fourth down, Robert tries to float a pass to Matt, but it is picked off.

The Rematch

2009-02-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

The long-awaited rematch with the Family (formerly known as the Swingers) took place on Sunday. The Family are notorious for talking trash, although I personally would take that over the passive-aggressive bush league tactics of some of the hipster teams we've faced.

The Commas were missing quarterback Dayne and defensive guru Daniel to "injury" (a.k.a. vacation). To compensate, Elyse stepped in admirably at QB, while Michelle recruited her sister's boyfriend Matt to add some additional help to the lineup.

Surprisingly, the game started as a genuine defensive battle, with both offenses bogging down and the score remaining stuck at 0-0 for several drives. The Family finally scored but failed to convert the extra point. On the very next play, Oxford was able to connect on a deep touchdown to Brian. Jon "The Baron" followed that up with a tough conversion catch to make the score 7-6, but the lead would not last long, as the Family was able to score before halftime. The Commas attempted a deep pass with time expiring, but it was thwarted when several Family members collided with Iain on what the ref described as "incidental contact". Iain was out for the rest of the game. We're told that Katie wants to kick some ass over this.

To start the second half, the Family decided to go for it on fourth and long in their own territory. When they failed to get the first down, Oxford took advantage. It took about ten plays and several disputed calls to move a mere fifteen yards, but Oxford finally managed to retake the lead with a touchdown pass to Brian.

What happened next is a blur to me. Using their super-fast receivers, the Family scored two unanswered touchdowns. The Commas had one last big drive that ended on the Family one-yard line. When it appeared that Oxford had scored on a QB sneak, it turned out that the league rules prohibit any kind of jumping or diving, which pushed the team back a few yards. On the very next play, the Commas failed to complete a pass, and turned the ball over. From then on, Oxford was reduced to throwing desperation passes to score quickly, while the Family ate up the clock. Thanks to a last second touchdown to pad their lead (yes, we faced yet another team that went for it with the game out of reach), the Family prevailed 38-13.

There was some good news, however. The Black Sheep pub had "life-sized" Jenga, i.e. the blocks are actual pieces of wood. Watching one of those towers fall is pretty friggin' cool.

Special thanks to the injured Iain, who provided the highlights below:

The Family goes for it on fourth and long, but turn the ball over on downs. Elyse lofts a pass into the endzone, but the Commas come up empty.

On a disputed call, Brian snags a hard pass in the corner of the endzone. The Family claimed that his feet were in the endzone, but that the ball was not. The video shows otherwise.

Matt reaches for a batted ball on the conversion, but it drops out of bounds.

Elyse makes it look easy.

The Family used some choice four-letter words after Elyse caught another pass over the middle.

A deep throw to Brian salvages a drive that was mired in Oxford territory.

Brian gets to the one-inch line.

Another disputed call, this time involving a lunge into the endzone. ZogSports declares that a player shall not jump or dive to gain yardage, so the touchdown was nullified.

The Commas' last shot at keeping the game close ends with a long scramble and an incomplete pass.

Coco Too Sexy for the Commas

2009-02-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

After a two-week hiatus, the Commas began the second half of the season with a tough loss to Sexy Coco, the team formerly known as Sexual Chocolate. I believe that's a Coming to America reference. Anyway, the game began with Oxford's zone defense bending but refusing to break at the goal line, allowing the offense to roar down the field for the first touchdown, a quick strike to Alex over the middle. Coco answered with one of the most amazing plays of the year, an endzone-to-enzone scamper by their lanky superstar player that faked out the entire Commas defense, including those people standing on the sidelines. Sexy Coco put up another touchdown following an Oxford interception, but the Commas put together another drive that ended with a TD for Brian. With the score 13-12, Oxford went for a two-point conversion and got it when Daniel muscled his way past two defenders for the catch (the video doesn't do it justice). After the defense came through with a goal-line intereception Oxford tried for another score on a trick play, but it didn't work.

Perhaps it was their annoying war chant, but Sexy Coco was able to take the lead with some quick touchdowns to start the half. Oxford tried to play catch up, thanks to a tough TD catch by Matt (again, the video doesn't do it justice). After the defense gave the team another chance, the Commas had the ball with about two minutes left, down 33-20. But they were out of time, and the last pass of the game was intercepted by Sexy Coco's freak-of-nature player. Only the smooth taste of Shock Top could soothe the pain.

Special thanks to Tanya for capturing the highlights.

Daniel hangs on.

Dayne to Brian:

Alex puts the Commas in the lead.

The conversion attempt to Matt fails.

A deep pass...doesn't quite make it.

QB sneak.

A close play at the goal line:

A touchdown for Brian.

The Commas take the lead on a two-pointer to Daniel, who boxes out two people for the one-handed grab.

Another sneak.

Alex pulls one in.

Deep pass, take two. Nada.

It's hard to catch a ball when you're getting humped.

Dayne catches and runs.

Iain over the middle.

Brian gets tangled up.

Iain high-stepping.

Matt hangs on for the score.

"Watch Superman!"

Alex, looking good in jeans.

Brian, still wearing the Superman hat he stole from a nine year old.

Another clutch reception for Alex.

The Commas come up empty on the goal line.

Matt gets some love.

On the last drive, the Commas stay alive with a first down reception.

Not to be.

Commas Wring Out the ShamWows

2009-01-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know, this is a ShamWow. It can also be seen here.

The Commas faced a spirited team thrown together by the whims of the Zog Gods. For once, Oxford was the experienced unit, driving downfield with early scores by Matt and Brian (actually, he had two by halftime, three total, along with a conversion). There was a brief scare when the ShamWows returned an interception to make the game 12-6. But the Commas new zone defense, installed by Daniel, held the ShamWows to zero points. They even managed to get a touchdown themselves when Daniel picked off a short pass and ran it in. The offense was able to take its time, scoring multiple TDs to give the team a nice, comfortable lead. As the highlights below demonstrate, everyone pitched in on both sides of the ball. I would call this "classic Commas football" if it were not merely the ninth or tenth game ever. Final score: 38-6. And Oxford enters the Super Bowl bye week above .500.

To celebrate, the Commas braved the elements with a barbecue in an actual backyard. You know, a backyard--a small plot of grass behind a house. There was drinking afoot. Life was declared to be good.

And now for the highlights (there are a ton, thanks to Gina):

Kari makes the quick catch and stays on her feet.

Jon catches a pass out of the backfield.

A deep pass is nearly intercepted.

Dayne slips one tackle to gain some extra yardage.

Alex pulls it in for a first down.

Matt catches a short pass over the middle...

...and then he follows up with a touchdown from Dayne.

A handoff to Daniel comes up short.

Daniel intercepts a pass and then pays for it with a fat lip.

Dayne drives the Commas closer to the goal line.

Alex makes the catch, but lands out of bounds.

Under pressure, Dayne delivers a touchdown to Brian. No, she was not tagged before she threw the ball. I don't care if you put it in slow motion. Look, stop arguing with me.

Daniel earns fifty push-ups with this one.

The ShamWows capitalize with an interception returned for a touchdown.

A pass to Michelle sails wide.

Alex and the defender bat the ball into the air, but Brian is there to save the day.

Dayne makes the catch, but doesn't quite make it to the endzone.

The ShamWows drive downfield.

The Commas defend against a deep throw.

Halftime adjustments.

The ShamWows sniff out the trick play.

Ash makes the catch.

Brian runs the wrong route. Robert is heard saying, "Brian, you're supposed to be the fullback." Oh, yeah--he scored.

Daniel gets up high to score the conversion.

Brian bobbles a hard pass, but holds on for the reception.

A softer pass for Brian's delicate hands.

Dayne to Alex. Look, he can play football in his jeans if he wants to, okay? He's from California--give him a break.

A pass to Ash in the endzone is too high. If she had been in heels, she would have caught it.

Daniel applies Super Glue to his hands at halftime, with positive results.

The ShamWows QB eludes the Commas defense.

A throw to Elyse sails too high, and right into the hands of a ShamWows linebacker.

Kari and Michelle hunt down the ShamWows QB.

The ShamWows attempt a handoff.

Daniel, did you catch this? I can't tell. If you did, it was because it was such a great throw, right?

One of the weirdest non-calls of the year: the safety knocks Jon to the ground and intercepts the deep pass. Jon would have his revenge by picking off the ball on the very next play.

Daniel's Super Glue wears off, but he still makes the catch.

Matt makes the tough catch in traffic.

A floater to Alex is picked off. Wow, Gina, I'm really glad you were there to get every interception on video. Good times.

The zone defense clamps down.

Jon dives in front of a pass to prevent a touchdown.

Matt swats it to the ground.

Kari, Elyse, and Brian force the ShamWows QB to slide to nowhere.

Post-game handshake.

Brian gets himself suspended from the team for sexual harassment.

The post-game pep talk involves directions to Pathmark.

According to tradition, the game is followed by a dramatic reading of Kafka's "The Metamorphosis".

If you stand close enough to the grill to singe your clothes, you hardly notice that it's twenty-six degrees out.

The intervention.

One more highlight:

Commas Win Streak Ends at One

2009-01-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

The upstart Commas fell to earth with a thud on Sunday, losing to Hot Route 44-8 (I think). Unable to break through the stifling zone defense, Oxford tried to go over it with some deep passes. But they spent the entire first half frustrated, unable to even get close to Hot Route's endzone. Still, the Commas defense kept the game competitive, and the team went into halftime down 14-0. Interceptions by Iain and Jestin (another mercenary) in the endzone saved the Commas from total annihilation.

But this only seemed to anger the Hot Route people, because they came out with their guns blazing in the second half. The only response the Commas could muster, in between many dumb interceptions, was a long touchdown pass to Daniel. Before they knew what hit them, the Commas were down by more points than they could count. Oxford did achieve a brief highlight with an interception return on a two point conversion, but the game was out of reach by a longshot by then.

And, in a special edition of "This Week in Douchebag History", Hot Route called a timeout with two seconds left in an attempt to pad their 30+ point lead. When asked why, the QB responded, "You pay to play", which I suppose means that rhyming makes up for anything. You see, folks, this is what happens when you can't get laid.

(Okay, they weren't all bad--some of them played a pickup game with us afterward.)

The Commas retreated to the warmth of the Black Sheep tavern to watch another band of heroes fall in battle. Oh, well--at least Obama is the President now.

Enjoy the few highlights that we have. Next week, win or lose, the Commas hold a barbecue feast in Daniel's backyard(!) in defiance of the miserable weather.

The Commas defense tries to stop a touchdown.

Dayne drops back and throws a touchdown.

(Oh, did that video end before the touchdown was played? Hmmm. How unfortunate. I assure you we scored.)

Brian catches a quick pass over the middle.

I've watched this next video about six hundred times, and it keeps getting better.

In other news, members of the Commas coaching staff had some emotional statements following the game. Meanwhile, Oxford QB Jim Everett did not react well to criticism from the media. Could be long season, so thank god for bbq.

COMMAS WIN!

2009-01-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

The curse is over. Here is how it happened.

The Commas entered the 2009 season with a few questions. Chief among them was, "Winter football? Are you f--king serious? It's cold out there!" But, thanks to arm-twisting, peer pressure, office politics, guilt trips, and the unrelenting scrutiny of a mass email, the Commas decided to suit up for Winter '09.

Their first opponent was Heisman and Women, a team new to ZogLand. The Commas, grizzled veterans of the so-called "casual" league, looked upon the Heismans and caught a glimpse of their own shattered innocence.

The Commas started the game with a drive that went deep into Heisman territory before a dumb interception turned the ball over. Oxford got it back thanks to another pick, and eventually scored on a deep strike to the rookie, Alex, in the right corner of the end zone. Throughout the half, the defense held the Heismans thanks to some tight coverage and another pick by Matt. Later, the Commas were able to connect on a short touchdown to "The Mercenary", Dan Gonz. (There may have been a slight push-off by Dan to get open, but you can't prove anything.) As the half ended, the Heismans tried to bomb their way into the endzone, but time expired with Oxford holding its first halftime lead in franchise history, 12-0.

Despite the good start, the Commas could not find a way to score for most of the second half. Their best chance was a fade route to Daniel in the back of the endzone, but the referees called it out of bounds after a long conference. (Imagine me pretending to cough while actually saying the word "Bullshit".) Then, the Heismans started a clock-eating drive that came close to scoring before Daniel, making up for an earlier drop, stepped in front of a pass and took it in for the touchdown, giving the Commas a comfortable lead at 18-0. The Heismans kept fighting, adding a touchdown of their own, but Oxford was able to score on a short route to Jon and deep strike to Daniel to put the game out of reach, 30-6.

It was by far the best effort ever by the Commas, who intercepted five passes in all. (Daniel and Alex added two more before the game was finished.) Meanwhile, every receiver had at least two receptions, despite the numbingly cold weather. Also, thanks to the rules of ZogLand, Dayne, Ash, and Kari had to play without a break as if it were 70 degrees out. (Before the Recession was made official, that meant that we owed them drinks. Now they just get a mention on the blog.)

Following the game, the Commas tried to talk the Heismans out of going to the douchebag Zog bar, but, since they seemed like nice people, the Heismans went anyway. We tried. At the unofficial Oxford bar, the Commas had to sit in silence while the New York fans watched their beloved Giants fall to a certain underdog team that shall remain nameless for fear of jinxing them. It was hard to feel sorry for the Giants fans since they were sitting inside, all warm and cozy, while some people were out braving the elements.

Before we get to the highlight reel, please keep in mind that we need some more ideas for goal-line plays. 0-5 on the conversions? That's not Commas football! Of course, that's because we almost never score five touchdowns in one game. Whatever. Suggestions are welcome.

Thanks go to Gina for filming the following clips:

A catch by Dayne, a long bomb to Iain, and then a TD grab by Alex.

Daniel pressures the quarterback, drawing the blocking penalty. Yes, we play in a league that does not allow blocking. Shut up.

Heisman's QB rushes on fourth down, but Matt catches her before she reaches the first down marker.

The Commas work the short passes, with completions to Kari and Daniel.

Robert escapes the rush and dumps the ball to Dayne, who is then gently tackled by the defense.

The Commas march downfield. Daniel catches a short pass, then Dayne hits Iain over the middle. Finally, Kari catches a ball before dropping to the ground in the fetal position. Remember kids: protect the ball!

The ball bounces out of the hands of Alex, Iain, and Ashley.

A pass goes awry. Somehow, Robert misses a wide-open Iain, despite the Scotsman's blazing yellow shirt.

Halftime conference: a convergence of great minds.

Free agent acquisition Daniel saves the day on a prancing interception return for a touchdown. Now his agent is asking for a new contract, a bigger locker, and the option of skipping practice to work on his music career. Un-friggin-believable.

A two-point conversion fails when a pass to Jon is batted away. Robert's brilliant assessment: "Conversions are hard. If we had two chances at the conversions, then..."

On the sidelines, the Commas react to Alex's interception late in the game.

And finally, Ahnold reminds us all why we should bundle up this winter here.

Commas 2008 Season (Cue the Green Day Song)

2008-11-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

Click to enlarge the following photos:

Photo credits go to Lora and Kari.

Commas Close Season with a Dogfight

2008-11-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

The Commas were given the task of playing spoiler to Los Touchitos ("Little Touchers"), a team that had to win in order to get into the playoffs. Fighting through picks and some weirdly rough tackles, Oxford began the game with a long drive that couldn't quite get into the endzone. Ebin set the tone by shrugging aside the guy who, frustrated by his inability to get laid, shoved Ebin out of bounds on one of the first plays of the game. In response, the Touchers, easily the mouthiest team in the league, scored two unanswered touchdowns. A deep pass to Brian late in the first half looked like it could even the playing field, but again the Commas were denied on the one-yard line, and the half ended with Oxford down by 14. It was not until late in the second half when the Commas finally punched through on the "Gonzo" play to Iain. Then Ben, playing with a pin in his broken finger, scored on a two-point conversion at the back of the endzone. There was little the Commas could do at that point, though. The Touchers immediately answered with a long touchdown bomb, putting them outside of the 16-point range that would have forced the clock to stop on each incomplete pass. Oxford had to watch as Los Touchitos drained the clock. Happily, the Commas stopped them on the last play of the game when Sam sacked their quarterback. Final score: 26-8.

My final word on the season is this: the sportsmanship, hustle, and good humor that this team showed should make everyone proud. That was the consensus while the Commas, tipsy on Shock Top, contemplated the sequel, a.k.a. the Winter League. It's still up in the air, but hopefully this will not be the final chapter.

Special thanks go to our fans, Tim, Tanya, Kari, Catherine, and Jared. They took some great photos and videos, which you can view here below. (Some of the other photos will appear in another post.)

http://picasaweb.google.com/catherinelrae/TheCommas#

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jwright40/sets/72157608852895361/

Here are the other highlights. Enjoy.

Ash takes a cleat to the head, but holds on:

The camera crew debates the difference between a center and a quarterback. Meanwhile, the ball is thrown away.

Sam with the catch:

Ben chats up the fans on the sideline. He was later seen texting in the huddle. You believe this guy? Oh yeah, the pass sailed wide.

QB sneak:

Ash with the diving reception:

Oxford is denied again at the goal line.

"Skip this part. In fact, never show it again"--Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

The biggest "Little Toucher" bats the ball away:

Desperation throw to Ben in the back of the endzone--incomplete.

Ebin makes a lunging tackle:

Dayne throws:

Matt moonwalks:

Deep to Matt, but thrown too far:

Dayne to Iain for one of the biggest plays of the day:

Dayne to Ben over the middle:

Is there pass intereference on Ben in this play? Robert DeNiro says, "Little bit, little bit."

Shovel pass to Iain for an easy (cheap) first down:

A throw into heavy traffic is broken up by the "Little Touchers" defense. Elyse, Ben, and Dayne all get a hand on it:

The Commas finally connect on a TD to Iain:

Ben scores on the conversion by toeing the back of the endzone:

Sam's hair is messed up on a short pass:

Ninell dives for it:

Brian, be honest: did this hit you in the hands? If it did, you're gonna run wind sprints until you puke.

The Commas never make anything look easy:

Ebin runs right into your living room. Or should I say cubicle? Hey, get back to work!

Dayne to Robert:

Iain beats a growling defender for the catch:

Deep to Brian:

Robert and Ebin try to reenact "The Catch" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Catch_(American_football), but it's not to be:

The Warmup

2008-11-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, the Commas incurred the wrath of the Swingers, a team that was much better than its losing record would suggest--more on that in a minute. It turns out that opening a must-win game with two straight interceptions is not a good idea. Who knew? As a result, the Commas found themselves down 20-0 with time running out in the first half. The Swingers employed a confounding zone defense that allowed Oxford to get close to the endzone, but stopped them cold over and over. In response, the Commas began firing the ball downfield in an attempt to break through, and finally connected with Brian on a long touchdown bomb.

The Swingers, using a quarterback with a howitzer-strength arm and several speedy receivers, piled on more points while the Commas pulled out every trick play they could think of to catch up. On a desperation play late in the game, Iain pulled off the catch of the season when he grabbed a ball that was thrown short. He had to contort his body to make the catch while keeping his feet in bounds for the score. (It was actually a good day for all of the receivers; there were only a few drops, and everyone made a solid contribution on the designed plays.) Brian added the two point conversion on the next play, but by then the game was over. The Swingers added another touchdown to make the score 44-14.

As the Commas packed up, they got to see the Swingers remove their gold jerseys and put on gray ones so that they could play a game in the competitive league. "Were we the warmup?" someone asked. Perhaps, but I'll bet those Swingers were really tired out for their real game. Right? Anyone? Oh, god...

Thanks go to Ebin for taking some photos, which you can see here.